Barbara's Own

ARTISTRY

2012-02-06T12:38:00.003-05:00

This portrait was painted by my late Aunt Mary from a picture of me taken by my dad more than seventy years ago.

This afghan was recently created by my sister, Jacq. Both works of art that I shall always cherish. Both works of art from a mastery of color and design. I feel very special to be the recipient of such special talents.

CRYSTAL CLEAR

2012-01-28T16:47:00.001-05:00

This crystal was gifted to me by my friend Margaret many years ago. It is a wee crystal just one and a half inches in diameter. For many years it came out only with the Christmas ornaments but one year I realized that it could be a daily addition in my life and so I hung it in the window. I face this window every morning during breakfast at the dining room table. Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. That is the way of things that are always present.

The crystal makes its presence known many times during the day as the sun hits its many facets and beams of refracted light are sent round the floors and walls in all the prismatic colors. A reminder of life, and hope, and friends. And that is the way of some things -- a sparkle and a brilliance are always noticed. But there are so many things that surround me that do not sparkle and are not brilliant. They deserve as much notice, of course, and more often than not, NEED my notice and attention. Who and what are the invisible in our lives that need our attention? What will we do to bring some light where now there is none?

HIS AND HERS

2012-01-21T17:31:00.001-05:00

Just to put a little perspective on the scene -- This is our Dining Room table. Her side is on the right. His side is on the left. Some days it is difficult to tell one side from the other. Some days the clutter overlaps. Today I just got tired of the whole big mess thing. I know it doesn't accomplish anything to suggest a clean-up day so I decided to clean up my own mess and gently shove 'his' center overlaps to his side. Maybe I can make a statement. Maybe not. I don't care. I can only do for myself.

There is a LOT more to this than two sides of a table.......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEFFRI

2012-01-12T08:57:00.002-05:00

Fifty-two years ago today.

Thank you for being in my life.

WINDOWS LIVE WRITER

2012-01-12T08:22:00.001-05:00

I have just fallen across this program on my computer and decided to explore what it is and what it does. I am always looking at new ways of doing things and always love it if it turns out to be something worthwhile -- doesn't often happen, but, hey, it's worth a try, right?

INDIANA RESPITE

2011-10-02T23:04:00.003-04:00

My time here in Indiana with my sister, Jacq, is coming to an end. We are both feeling a little sad. It will be a year, or at least fifty weeks, until we are together again. We keep in touch daily through e-mails and we chat on the phone every week or so. The time actually being together is the best. We talk and laugh, reminisce, share stories from the recent past that were too involved for e-mail or phone, lament some of the things that are currently happening, and generally just enjoy being with each other.

Distancing myself from the usual routine of my life has been a good thing. No meetings, no time tables, no deadlines, no responisibilities, no pressure. Time for knitting and reading and crossword puzzles. A few days of this and I begin to relax. Jacq and I cook family favorites and try out new recipes and, of course, keep up with the abundant garden produce. And walk. We have walked almost every day, on the picturesque walk along the Ohio River or through some of the residential neighborhoods of Madison.

Oh, and in addition there's my new buddy, Kitty. The family here calls her Peanut but she doesn't answer to that. She answers to 'Kitty' and she greets me with a meow first thing every morning and hangs around where I am most of the day -- nosing into my face as I read, grabbing at my knitting yarns, nuzzling my fingers as I try to type on the computer keys. I am NOT a cat person but Kitty has definitely warmed her way into my heart -- she crept up onto the foot of my bed last night and kept my feet warm.

Has the distance and time diminished my intense sense of involvement in home and family and church and work? Not at all. Have I gained some great sense of perspective or insight into the controversial issues? Not at all. Am I renewed? Yes. Am I less anxious? Yes. Am I ready to return and delve into the complexities of my life? Yes. Sisters are the best!

REQUIEM FOR MY WANNA-BE ROBINS

2011-05-09T21:39:00.001-04:00

Mrs. Robin sat on her beautiful, blue eggs all weekend as we came and went. I said hello and good-bye each time. She seemed facing a different way each time so I assume she was adjusting her warmth and rotating her eggs. She watched me with her beady, little, suspicious, fearful eyes. She was there when last I walk Gabriel Sunday evening.

This morning when I went out. No Mrs. Robin. No eggs. Nest askew in the branches. I am heartbroken. My would-be grandchildren are no more for this season. At least not from this laying. Was it a squirrel? A cat? Some other nasty creature?

And, of course, I am feeling guilty because of the bush trimming that exposed her to begin with. Sorry, Mrs. Robin. Although there is no sorry that is enough for an unborn child. It is a grief too deep even to be shared. Sorry, Mrs. Robin. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

CHALLENGES IN ROBINVILLE

2011-05-05T18:39:00.000-04:00

Some kind of freak, fierce, forceful wind visited our domain whilst I was at work today. Rubbish bins were scattered into the yard and the main, nest-sheltering top of the Japanese Holly bush was blown over ...

.... leaving a gaping hole ....

... exposing the nest and gestating eggs of Mrs. Robin.

AND the maternal instinct of Mrs. Robin prevailed. Thanks Be To God!

SNEAK PEAK

2011-05-03T11:05:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Robin is very much in residence. I see her beady little eye watching my every move as I go up and down the deck stairs. And when I peek through the slats in the fencing I see her fluffed out over the whole nest. And she just sits there and watches me.

She must have taken off for a while to grab something to eat so I got a quick peak over the top of the fence into her nest. Three beautiful eggs. I'm watching and waiting.

OOPS!!!

2011-05-01T16:48:00.002-04:00

It was a perfect day in Connecticut. For church, for yard work, for pruning of the overgrown Japanese Holly that resides next to our back steps. As you can see I am only two thirds of the way finished because I ran into this:

A VERY big oops. It looks like kind of an old nest -- very weathered and grey, no new stuff in it. Like maybe it has been there for a few seasons. The three blue robin eggs inside, however, cannot be old. I am feeling pretty awful. Like having invaded someone's most intimate, personal space.

I left off the pruning and went away from the nest out further into the yard to do other work. I worked until tired and then retired to the deck for a beer and my book. I was aware of birds NOT being around. I sat there for a while recouping my energy and, finally, w a y out back a robin started flitting around in and out amongst the branches. Did not come anywhere near the deck, however.

We are inside now. Perhaps they will feel a little more secure as time goes on. Maybe not ...

EASTER AFTER

2011-04-25T16:27:00.000-04:00

I thought that this might be a 'let down' day. You know, that feeling of depletion upon the culmination of a huge event. Easter at Grace was marvelous is so many ways and every service pulled together in such fantastic coordination. Two baptisms at the Easter service and a grande luncheon afterward were just the right finishing touches.

And today -- sunshine and warmth and the first of the wild violets in the lawn. So the 'after' of Easter is getting back into the routine but on the warmer side and into the growth of spring.

Alleluia!

THE GREAT VIGIL OF EASTER

2011-04-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

The splendour of the Easter Vigil and I don't even have a picture. No picture would have done it justice anyway. It was a festive occasion in our newly created space.

The dancing flames in the Narthex started off the celebration. The Pascal Candle was carried in by our new Deacon as we each carried our newly lit candle.. The 'table' was placed central to all of us and was covered with blank paper. As we told the stories we drew them onto the table with crayons and markers, added our names, and this became the Fair Linen for our Eucharist.

The waters for baptism were blessed and we renewed our Bptismal vows and then for the Peace we splashed one another with the water of baptism. We each wrote our own prayers for Prayers of the People on colored shapes and placed them on the new Fair Linen.

Eucharist Rite III -- WOW!

THE LORD IS RISEN, INDEED!!

WERE YOU THERE .....

2011-04-22T22:36:00.000-04:00

Were you there when they crucified My Lord? As I was leaving for the evening service I said that this is the traditional hymn for this service and that it always really gets to me. Plus, given the blogs that I follow, I was just about Good Fridayed out, didn't know how much more of it I could handle. I had read a kazillion different interpretations of the crucifixion -- and given that this is the year that we liturgically have John as the main gospel, made it all the more difficult.

Were you there when they nailed him to the tree? I was the reader for Isaiah this evening. A very prophetic writing from a very prophetic, well -- prophet. The new space in our church allowed the word to resonate. I love how God takes over when I read. I hear the reading new and alive. God speaking.

Were you there when they pierced him in the side? After the second reading we did the Passion. Was it the same Passion that we did on Sunday? Didn't seem the same. I was hearing a LOT of different stuff. And that's a good thing. That is why we do these things over and over so that we can feel them at different times, in different ways and make them our own.

Were you there when they laid him in the tomb? And this is the point of Good Friday, after all, isn't it? Yes, Jesus is in the tomb. And at the Vigil tomorrow evening all of creation will witness the glory of the resurrection.

SUBDUED

2011-04-21T21:02:00.000-04:00

At the Maundy Thursday gathering this evening, people kept asking me what was wrong. Well, nothing, I am just feeling subdued. Maybe even pensive. Not quite with the program. Just a few more days until Easter and then I will be fine again.

THIS IS RELAXING???

2011-04-20T21:10:00.000-04:00

Soooo, the rhythm is -- knit, two three, purl, two three, knit, two three, etc. A nice easy rhythm. Nothing complicated. I can do this and think of other things. I know that on each row I knit the knits and purl the purls, and I know how the stitch to be worked looks like.

I am working on two pieces. I work on one for a while, read for a bit, and then work on the other piece. The underneath piece above is worked with that funny kinky yarn. A knit stitch does not always look like a knit stitch, nor a purl a purl. It gets confusing. I have to rip back frequently. This is NOT relaxing.

The other piece, however, is worked in just plain worsted type yarn, a little thicker than four ply worsted. Smooth. Easy to work . THIS is relaxing. I think I am going to put the kinky yarn piece away until AFTER Easter. A challenge will be okay then. For now just knit, two three, purl, two three and do some reading. Relax. Ease into Easter calmly.

RELAXING INTO EASTER

2011-04-19T20:43:00.001-04:00

I am trying really, really hard to be NOT busy. This is not an easy thing for me. So I am occupying my hands with knitting which seems to relax my thought processes a bit. Just knit three, purl three, get into a rythm, relax. My brain seems always to be on the run. Not that my body is keeping up with that, but my mind does not relax. So I am promising myself, this week, to NOT be brain busy. To just relax. Knit. Read something light and frivolous. No deep problem solving. Let the world just go by and do its own thing.

Knit three, purl three. Relax. Read. Rest. Prepare for the coming Easter. Be ready. Be waiting. Knit three, purl three .......

PUTTING THE PAST TO REST

2011-04-18T18:31:00.000-04:00

My sister, Jacq, has been able to get past that 'loose ends' feeling that a death sometimes leaves with us. Our Aunt Mary died last June. For me it has been that feeling of not saying the right things when I could. Not being being the letter writer that would have kept us in touch with one another. All that 'should' stuff.

For Jacq it is different. She kept in touch. She probably even said all the right things. She still had that 'up in the air' feeling. BUT, before Aunt Mary died she passed on to Jacq some of her creative materials -- fabric, ric rac, ribbon -- and a bunch of yarn. After many months had passed Jacq decided to revisit a long unused skill and crochet that yarn into a shawl.

The result as you can see is just beautiful. And she has worked through her grief and has closure on the death. And now I can publish this with the eulogy below that I started many months ago and could not complete. I leave it in its incompleteness. It's okay. My grieving has come to an end through Jacq's project.

Thank you, Jacq.

Good Bye, Aunt Mary.

Mary Catherine Walters Bancroft

December 7, 1907 - June 30, 2010

Aunt Mary was my father's older sister. The end of her generation. Predeceased by her husband, two brothers, and her only son and daughter; survivor of breast cancer, and accomplished artist. I choose to remember the "artist." She is a role model for me in that genre. Always experimenting with new media,

MORE BLOSSOMS

2011-04-17T21:08:00.000-04:00

It is amazing what a day of sunshine brings out in nature. It is also amazing what I am seeing and appreciating this spring now that I am walking around with a camera. This little bit above are the blossoms on the Japanese maple that resides in the back yard. I don't even remember blossoms before. Winged seeds, yes, but not the blossoms. I am delerious with these spring happenings. God is showing up in all the corners of creation.

APRIL SHOWERS, AND SHOWERS, AND SHOWERS

2011-04-16T18:52:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, it's April. But I also know that every April I get really, really tired of all the rain. Almost to the point of being minimally depressed. The gray and the dampness and the chill just make it too, too much. I try to envision green grass and the buds of flowers and baby birds and all that stuff, but it sometimes just doesn't work.

Looking at my world through these windows and hearing the constant pelt of the rain drops against the skylight gets to be annoying and then oppressive. I become negative. It is hard to plan. My sleep pattern is off. Energy lags.

The really wonderful thing about April, and I have a hard time remembering this, is that May follows. May is the most beautiful time in Connecticut. I must remind myself to enjoy all of the happenings in April for what they are and what they give to us. Each day is a blessing. April days. May days. All of our days.

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

2011-04-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

The resident landscaper added this bit into the scheme of things today. It must be two flower beds. I let it be known at the outset of this idea that I was NOT going to plant, water, weed, or in anyway care for anything new in the yard. I have my hands full with the impatiens in the two front beds and the one back bed. If this was supposed to be for flowers someone else was going to be responsible. The resident landscaper. Bill.

And so the beds were put in anyway. So there you have it. It will be interesting to watch the development of what happens. Whatever. Not my problem.

LEAFING LILAC

2011-04-14T19:41:00.001-04:00

It is seven in the evening. The sun has not yet set. The moon is already high. Here he is seen through the lilacs that are starting to leaf. So much spring. Today was a warm sunny day, sandwiched between periods of grayness and rain, so there ought to be more sprouts visible this weekend.

I worked this afternoon. This morning there was an odd rant from a friend on Facebook, to which I replied in a smart ass kind of way -- who put a bug up you ___ -- I wrote. I know this person pretty well. Love her kids. Am on 'kissing' terms with her husband. AND then she really took off on me. Didn't quite get that. Maybe she was having a bad day and I just got in the way. Maybe she took my comment as a criticism -- it wasn't. Maybe she doesn't like me.

There were several responses I might have made. The first one that came to mind was to call her. I was at work and didn't have her number, so that was out. The next thing was to UNfriend her -- how immature. And what would that solve anyway? Took me a very long time to get past the UNfriending option. And then I decided that I would just eliminate my reply and let her nasty response just hang out there. Let her make whatever next move she needed to make.

Facebook is a wonderful social media. I love it because I can be in contact with my grandkids and Bill's grandkids and my nieces, all of whom I love. I have made some wonderful connections. Sometimes I even 'chat' with my son, Jeff. Yes, Facebook does have an important role for us.

On the other hand, words are dangerous. If they are misconstrued, misunderstood, misheard, misanything, it is a disaster. We need to be aware that people respond from the emotion from which they are at the moment. They might not be in the same place that we are when we place a message. Walk softly. Don't be rash. Let things slide. And watch the moon as seen between the leafing branches of the lilacs. This, after all, is where God resides.

A FAITH WORTH QUESTIONING

2011-04-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

We have just finished the fifth of our Lenten series "The Last Week of Jesus" or whatever it was called. Could have been called "The Walk to The Cross." But, no, we did resurrection also. Do we call this part of the 'life' of Jesus? I guess we do if we're true Christians. Then I ask myself, what is a true Christian? Don't know.

We were faced with a LOT of historical 'stuff' that surrounds Jesus. And then a lot of religious 'stuff,' and then again a lot of 'iffy' stuff. Was Jesus killed for political reasons or religious reasons? Who was ultimately responsible for the death decision? Then AFTER the death????

I have taken all this in and mixed it up with what I have already learned. Stirred it around. Some of it conflicts, some of it confirms, some of it is new. Don't quite know how to put it all together. Maybe I don't even have to. In the end does any of it matter? Right now I don't even know that.

Will I continue in my current faith practices? Yes. Will I change my mind about anything? That's possible -- if it fits for me. Notice that I say, 'for me.' I can't take in what is important to a lot of other people. In the end, it is between me and God and God will let me know.

RAIN, RAIN, AND RAIN

2011-04-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

I'm going to have to think of something really cheerful tomorrow to chase away this dismal feeling that the rains have brought upon me. Then again, it is supposed to be sunny. Now THAT would be a plus. I can get the rest of my brugmansia plants out and get the sticky icky from the buggies cleaned up. Maybe sweep the deck and wipe off the chairs. Yep, tomorrow just has to be a brighter day.

AHA -- CLEMATIS

2011-04-11T17:56:00.000-04:00

Here they come! The first tiny green leaves of the clematis. I am SO excited. Last year they were hidden from the sun and from me by the over growth of bamboo. The bamboo is gone. Now to watch these wonderful new leaf sprouts and watch as the beautiful lavender flowers appear. I think they are lavender. Maybe they are blue. Sometimes you have to remove what has been so what was hidden can come forth again on its own.

The bamboo served its purpose. It filled a gaping spot. Now we can have clematis. The transplanted royal hosta can flourish. Maybe even the astilbe will come forth again. Things change. Life goes on.

SANDWICHED

2011-04-10T19:29:00.000-04:00

I am somehow feeling very compressed by my 'sandwich' days. Not opressed. Just squished -- drained, used up, strung out, no cope, no reserve, no energy, no interest, in fact, no nothing. So I plan to turn in early and hope to regain some strength and perspective.

Tomorrow seven a.m. teeth cleaning and nine thirty taxes. That should get me back into the realm.

NEW RESIDENT

2011-04-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

During the past year or so Bill has been building birdhouses. He just likes putting things together and playing with color. This is the one that he hung on the front maple tree last week. And THIS is the new resident.

He/she (I am NOT a birder) was busily bringing in twigs this morning. Who woulda thunk ....

REPRESENTING WHO????

2011-04-08T18:49:00.000-04:00

They are not being donkeys. They are not being elephants. They are being smug, stupid pigs. They are wallowing in their own mud. They are DUMB, DUMB, DUMB. Our government at NOT working. It is an embarrassment. And what is the point?

EWWWE BUGGIES

2011-04-07T18:19:00.000-04:00

My brugmansia plants have been in all winter. I have three in the guest room downstairs, one in the sitting room downstairs, and eight or ten upstairs. Suddenly the upstairs brugmansia are covered with these teeny, weeny, little yukky buggies. I have had them before. They are late coming this year. I am tempted to just put all these plants outside and let them fend for themselves with the coming temperatures. They are such icky bugs. They leave some sort of sticky residue on everything underneath where they infest. Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

No icky buggies on the downstairs plants -- this year anyway. In fact, one of the guest room plants has three flower pods. Three. Count them. THREE. In past years, the guest room plants have been the ones infested with icky bugs -- ALL winter. There is no rhyme or reason. No pattern. It just seems hit or miss.

One of life's little mysteries.

PILATE

2011-04-06T21:33:00.000-04:00

The video and discussion this evening focused on Pilate. Obvious and necessary overlap from last Wednesday's Trial of Jesus and next week's crucifixion. But tonight we focused on Pilate. My personal conclusion is that he was a political figure concerned with one thing -- Pilate and Pilate's career.

Jesus was one among many crucifixions during Pilate's reign and this one among the many was of no account to him. He was just doing his job. Period. An insignificant player. The gospeliers developed him into a sympathetic character and the Jewish leaders became the collective scapegoat. And just look what that has done to us as Christians. Shameful. Sinful.

REPLAY

2011-04-05T18:36:00.000-04:00

A large part of spring is, actually, 'come back' time. There is not a whole lot that is new here. It is a re-emergence of last year. The surprise is always just how the REemergence arrives. This Easter hyacinth from last year is pale in comparison to what it was. But then, it was a greenhouse gift then, and now it has been out in nature for a year. I am happy that it has 'come back' at all. I am happy for the color that it is. I am happy for the green of its leaves. When the flowers have spent, I will add in some fertilizer to the soil and look forward to the re-emergence next spring.

2011-04-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

The maple tree out front is loaded with flowers. Tons and tons. Paving the way for seeds then leafs. I am lucky to have this tree. When we moved here forty three years ago, it was the biggest tree in the neighborhood. It has since been out grown by the oak tree out back and a fir tree across the street. But it's still big. And I love it .

There will be thunderstorms tomorrow and the flowers may all be pounded to the ground -- and, of course, the porch where they will leave their seasonal staining. And be a mess that eventually has to swept up and mulched. But come summer this wonderful maple shades the southern facing front of the house from the heat of the sun. I love this tree.

GRILLIN' OR BURNIN'?

2011-04-03T17:51:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm.... Is this grilled? Scorched a little? Charred? Doesn't matter. It is finally warm enough to really enjoy cooking out and we will now be cooking out LOTS. These are sweet pots. Next onto the grill will be pork steaks. A Sunday feast. Welcome to the season.

A LITTLE BIT OF BLUE

2011-04-02T20:16:00.000-04:00

And after all that rain and sadness of bit of blue when we got home this afternoon. It was good to see that little bit of blue showing out from behind the clouds. An assurance that the grieving and gloom will dissipate. The sadness of of death will one day just be a part of life and not an overwhelming cloud. A promise of tomorrow.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-04-01T12:08:00.000-04:00

No snow -- yet. but it is early on. THAT would really be an April Fool. People here in Connecticut were complaining about this coming snow. They've had enough. Not so for me. I truly love the snow. Not the cold for long, but definitely the beauty of the snow.

It is, however, wet. I am hoping the weather is better in Pennsylvania for my granddaughter's Birthday Breakfast. She has so been looking forward to that. I would have liked to have been there but it is a young people's thing and I am many miles away. I would have liked to have sent her a Birthday Card and a special note but I don't have her address. She called me a few evenings ago and we chatted a bit. That was nice. Her father calls me frequently and keeps me caught up on family news.

The week has been clouded with an upcoming funeral scheduled for tomorrow. An unfortunate loss from an accident on I 95 last Sunday morning. A loved and gifted man, killed too soon for those left behind. He was so kind and gentle and loving. Farewell, Richard Casey. Rest in peace.

NUTTIN',HONEY

2011-03-31T20:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes there is just nothing to say OR too much.

2011-03-30T17:18:00.001-04:00

Yup, sometimes it's just a good idea to sit back and look at what's goin' on and being glad your not involved. Thinking what's important and what's not and how most people don't come any where near knowin' that. A lot of the time I don't either. But when something big happens and I take the time to get myself out of the middle of things and be a bystander, or an onlooker, I can see how other people deal and react and not have to be a part of it. Giving support if it's needed. Keeping my mouth shut mostly and just letting everyone do what they need to do.

WHAT YOU SEE ...

2011-03-29T18:32:00.000-04:00

What you see is actually how you see it. And the eye that sees it is not necessarily seeing what is. We see things with eyes that just never seem to see it as it is. Or maybe it is our brains that cannot accept things as they are. OR is it that our experience doesn't allow us to perceive the real meaning of what we see.

This is complicated. We are complicated. Life is complicated. I sure wish there was a formula to sort it all out and make sense of it.

COMIN' UP SOUP

2011-03-28T15:57:00.000-04:00

I love making soup. Bill doesn't particularly like soup. I do. All kinds. Don't get much of a chance to make up big pots of it. This will be split pea. For the Wednesday Evening Lent Supper and Study. Last Wednesday we had Italian Wedding soup, watched a video and discussed Judas. This week, The Trial of Jesus.

Sharing a meal at table is such a wonderful experience. A time to share our food and some of our story. A time to get to know one another all over again. And then share in some new knowledge and then, best of all, exchange views of what we have just seen and heard. How does it change our thinking or attitude? How does it fit with what we already know? Does it change anything? Is it relevant?

This isn't probably proper thinking but for these Wednesday opportunities -- I do love Lent.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2011-03-27T14:19:00.002-04:00

Happiness is a frozen Margarita and peanuts at Texas Roadhouse -- compliments of a Christmas gift card. This is a semi-annual treat. Seldom enough that I forget that the first sip is BRAIN FREEZE. I thought my temples would touch the inside corners of my eyes and the bridge of my nose would reach through to the base of my skull. I was so numb that my focus wasn't and my breathing almost stopped. I didn't think I would be able to move -- ever again.

After a few minutes the freeze began to thaw, focus came back and head parts went back into their normal places. Whew! Six months from now I'll probably do it again. I am not one to learn from experience. I sort of just make it up as I go along and don't make the realistic adjustments that are necessary in life. I fumble a lot. Get hurt a lot -- feelings that is. And in general just don't pay attention to life.

LEFT OVER PIZZA

2011-03-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

My new favorite pizza -- Hawaiian. Pineapple, ham, and BACON.

Even better warmed up again the next day.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-03-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

The Week In Review

Two snows this week -- Monday and Thursday. Really remarkable for this late in March. Enjoyable though. Beauty and easy driving is always a plus. And I do love the snow. Plus on Monday the awakening of a new venture with the idea of reviving the Pastoral Care Team with the inclusion of Betania folk. It just keeps getting better and better.

Wednesday was a nuts day this week with a lot of stuff sandwiched all in the after of noon -- Spiritual Avisor, always a plus; couples therapy, usually a plus; and then Lenten Soup Supper and a program on Judas. Hmmmm, was Judas really a bad guy? Maybe not. So I have pulled The Gospel of Judas off the Internet and will look through it.

Then the furnace saga. We have been smelling oil fumes for ages. Even after the annual cleaning and still after the "tweaking." But yesterday we finally had a knoweldgeable person who really worked hard to get it right. And he did.

My week begins on Monday and ends on Friday. Those two sandwiched days in between are where I recover from the prior week and gear up for the next. AND, of course, do fun stuff. But I don't count Saturday and Sunday as any part of my "week." It seems like sort of a no man's land, I guess. But all the days are my life. Sundays are ALWAYS church. Does that begin the week or end the week? Neither. Sundays are just right there. Always the high point. Tomnorrow, though, a baseball game as our Sam begins playing the season. should be fun to be with the family and out of doors. Could be nippy though. I'll dress warmly.

SNOW COVERED BUDS

2011-03-24T09:15:00.000-04:00

And so snow once again. Just enough to make the world beautiful. It isn't going to stay around very long because the temps are running up into the low forties today. So this is probably the last of this season's snow. I relish every moment of today and look forward to what is coming.

SPRING COMETH ....

2011-03-23T16:14:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe. Right now it is very gray and very wet and very cold. There is even some snow now and then. Depite all of this the buds on the maple tree are swelling in praparation for flowering. I can wait. I can enjoy seeing them in their beginning redness. They will get more red before they burst open and fall. They will be so red that they will once again stain the front steps and porch. And that's okay because last summer's sun and winter's snows have bleached last spring's red stains away.

I am so lucky to have this tree in the front yard. I have been watching it and enjoying its every season for forty seven years. I love this tree. This fall we had the tree guy come in and trim it out and put in bracing cables. There are four cables to enable the tree to withstand the severe winds that we have had. Cannot imagine what would have happened had the cables not been in place. This tree is perhaps the most consistent thing in my life. Part of God's creation. I love this tree.

PASTORAL CARE

2011-03-22T20:44:00.001-04:00

Pastoral Care has been a passion of mine for several years. I have attended many seminars and symposiums in an attempt to be all that I can be in this area. The more I learn, the more I realize that I still need to learn. And I will continue to learn more.

God visited me Monday evening as I was driving up I95 to Spanish class. And God said: A joint Betania/Grace Pastoral Care Team is what needs to happen. That was it. When God speaks, I don't ask a lot of questions. In fact, usually NONE. I just run with what I am given.

RevLois was as excited about this call as I. We dreamed months down the road. We mapped out what our first four gatherings might look like. A union of a Spanish speaking congregation with an English speaking congregation is HUGE. But what a basic way to bring the two together -- pastoral care is pretty universal. We love one another. We care for one another. And we can learn to do it well -- TOGETHER.

And God being God, today I received an e-mail from Lois passing on an offering from Norwalk Hospital for Pastoral Care Groups -- a course named "No One Dies Alone." Whoah! O.K. God, we hear you. Loud and Clear.

SPRING SURPRISE

2011-03-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

Imagine my delight to see the snow coming down so thick and white. There is just something so special about snow. It's clean. And pure. And I need that hope of newness in my life right now. The chance to have all the wrongness cleansed away. To begin again and try to get it right.

WHAT'SA HOSTA?

2011-03-20T16:05:00.000-04:00

Well, NOT a hyacinth. I was wondering what he was talking about when he mentioned digging up the hostas. Which, by the way, over multiply and take over. But I wasn't paying enough attention. Or probably any attention. Or dismissed the whole thing. Whatever. A ton of recently sprouted hyacinths have been removed from their spring, blossom forming home. Some of them may be replanted in other locations. I don't know whether they will bloom. Well, if not this spring, maybe next. Doesn't matter. What does matter is that I learn to pay more attention to the intentions of the resident landscape person.

GAUGING KNITTING NEEDLES

2011-03-19T17:59:00.000-04:00

Who woulda thunk that there is such a difference from a size 13 to a size 11? Really there is. I began knitting this current shawl with a size 13. It was awkward and tiring and I couldn't knit very long at a time without my fingers getting awkward and stiff. Then I changed over to size elevens. WOW! A BIG difference. I can now knit, knit, knit. My fingers seem to fit and do not tire. No more size 13 -- ever.

Then I decided to get out the needle gauge that I inherited from my mother. A beautiful aluminum, Susan Bates needle guage. Interesting that the smallest size is zero and then the increments are by one -- 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 -- then SURPRISE 10 1/2. Hmm, I wonder why that is. The next size is 11 and then surprise again, 13, then 15, then another surprise 16. I don't see any rhyme or reason for these numbers. I suppose a great deal of thought was put into this many, many eons ago. I can just accept it and be thankful that I have a gauge.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-03-18T09:00:00.001-04:00

The Week In Review

It seems to have been such a long week. Even with the washing maching fixed and back in place we have had three episodes of the sump failing. Wednesday night was the final straw. As I came in from the Lent program at church, I could hear the pump grinding away. Went downstairs to see if I could right it but nothing I tried seemed to work. Bill was out at a family Birthday dinner so I had to worry it out until he came home. He took one look at it and said, 'It's dead.'

So Bill's project yesterday was to put in a new sump. As with everything this required multiple trips up and downstairs and to Home Depot. He was finally finishing this up when he went into the side of his van to get a tool and discovered that he had been robbed. The lock punched out and some very nice tools taken. Don't know when. Don't even know where because I cannot see how this could have happened right in our driveway. But then odd things do happen. Bill is feeling violated but otherwise taking it pretty well.

During all of this chaos I somehow managed to feel some renewed energy and am making headway into some long overdue household chores. I'm actually feeling pretty good about this. A little order goes a long way for making me feel more ambitious and productive. So, it is a cycle well started.

LAND LINE

2011-03-17T11:03:00.000-04:00

I still have a wall phone on my kitchen wall. With a l o n g a, l o n g a cord. Time was when I would walk around the kitchen doing dishes, fixing meals, cleaning up. Not any more. I was never much of a telephone talker and with the advent of the computer I use the phone as little as possible -- the exception being talking with my sister.

Jacq still talks on the phone -- a lot. She has several distantly located contacts with whom she checks in periodically and spends an hour or so. Not me. I will talk to Jacq for an hour or more but with anyone else I get fidgety and bored. Not with Jacq.

As soon as there was Prodigy, I was an instant cyberspace communicator. When Prodigy went by the wayside I was instantly a subscriber to AOL. IM'd a lot. E-mail is my main communication link. My sister and I e-mail every day. (And we still have things to talk about when we phone.) Church communication is done via e-mail. Luncheon dates with the "Ladies" is done through e-mail. People know not to call unless it is an absolute emergency, otherwise just rest assured that I will answer the e-mail.

And so the phone sits idle most of the time. Interesting that with cell phones and IPhones, and FaceBook, we have REnamed the phone. It is now considered a Land Line. Progress is weird -- on many levels.

SOUP AND ...

2011-03-16T15:22:00.000-04:00

... bread. Of course. And our local ShopRite makes the most wonderful rosemary and ripe olive bread. Lent is my opportunity to make soup and indulge in this delicious bread -- and butter. Real butter.

This week chicken soup with sweet potatoes, celery, mushrooms and a fair amount of poached chicken breast. Nothing that should be on anyones 'dislike' list. Next time though I may make pumpkin-white bean. Many people don't do beans. I love beans. And another time maybe tomato something. We have a few people who don't do tomatoes. But chicken is pretty safe.

Safe is good. Some of the time. But taking chances and trying out new things is also good. Taking a chance means the possibility of failing. Or in the case of soup, disaster. I've had my share of those. I keep trying new combinations though. I put the failures on the 'let's not do this again' list. The successes are usually the basis for further experimentation. Sort of like life. I just keep trying to get it to be the best that I can. I guess when I finally succeed, I'll be done.

TIME OUT

2011-03-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

Yup, a glass of wine before dishing up dinner sounds like a really good idea. I think I'm pushing myself a little too much. Planning too much for the available time. This morning I did a day's work BEFORE I went to work. I need to pace myself better. Take more rests. Be more judicious with my planning. I get a list of projects in my head and then can't let it go. At the end of the day I'm disappointed because I didn't get everything accomplished.

So, time out. Slow down. Have a glass of wine. Take some deep breaths. AND it might even be a good idea to let God into the day.

HANGING IN THERE .....

2011-03-14T11:12:00.000-04:00

This is just about the best I can do for now. Just hang in and cope. The phone keeps ringing. The sump pump stumbled and there is water all over the cellar floor. The oil burner smells -- the service guy will come when he can. My Spanish essay isn't even started. I'm behind on my Lent discipline. Laundry needs folding. I am feeling pressured by all these silly aggravations of my life. God doesn't care about any of this, so I think I'll just take a few deep breaths, pray for a little calmness, and get busy.

SHARING OUR STORY

2011-03-13T18:15:00.000-04:00

Jeff has been leading us through some different ways of understanding our own stories. We know one another through the sharing of our stories. First we need to know and remember our own past before we can understand and appreciate the stories of others. And we have to learn to be comfortable telling our stories and making others comfortable when they tell theirs.

This morning after our service we were given yet another exercise to awaken memories and record them for ourselves. There are just so many ways that we can do this. Today we were given a standard sheet of copy paper and the choice of writing/drawing implement. I had my purple gel pen with me so I was all set. We were instructed to choose an 'elder' or some person in our life that had been a significant influence. Hmmmm.... I am nearly seventy-four. A LOT of people have influenced who I am. I chose my dad.

The next part of the instruction was to write that persons name in the center of the paper, circle it if we wanted, and t h e n whatever popped into our mind, draw a line, write it down -- words or pictures. And if that thought sparked another, draw a line, identify the thought -- an so on. We were given ten/fifteen minutes. My mind works quickly so I drew lines and circles and words and simple pictures. And then I stopped and looked at all of it and was surprised.

Jeff asked: "What did that feel like for you?" Most said that it brought back forgotten memories. For me it was a surprise. It seems that I am much like my dad and hadn't realized the similarities. It made me feel good. And sad. Notice the heart with the hole that he left in my life when he died. Also notice that he was so connected to my sister and she to me with a love that is so binding, and the love of God, who holds me in God's hands.

2011-03-12T09:57:00.000-05:00

Sunshine and blue sky. After all of the nasty dreary weather we have had this is a welcome relief. A lift of the spirits. Plus today is our Mission Outreach gathering at Grace. We are talking about and learning how each one of us can make a difference in the community around us. Not a throw money at an established group kind of thing -- a real hands on face to face offering. We are still in the discussion stage and beginnings are slow and sometimes cumbersome. We are, however, exploring opportunities and open to challenge.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-03-11T10:00:00.001-05:00

The Week In Review

The washer was repaired on Monday for $25 in parts and not too many hours of Bill's labor. Sure beats the $850 we were thinking. Accolades for Bill!! Then, of course, the sump switch got turned off and when I arrived home from church Tuesday evening the cellar had a layer of water. Oh, well. You win some you lose some.

We held a bilingual service on Wednesday with our resident congregation, Iglesia Betania. Ashes and Eucharist and hymns in Spanish and English and RevLois preached alternating Spanish and English, as did Padre Jose when he celebrated the Eucharist. Slowly we are growing together.

My eight thirty AM dentist appointment yesterday wiped me out for the rest of the day. That and the rain are just a lot to handle together. And the rain continues into today. I am hoping the weekend will give us a little relief. That would be really nice since Saturday night we will have to set the clocks ahead and, once more, give our internal body clocks a jolt.

BLUE FOR THURSDAY

2011-03-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

I am dressed in shades of blue today because the softness of pastel blue is comforting for me. I have spent two hours in the dentist chair and I am wiped. No pain. Just the pressure on my teeth and 'stuff' in my mouth, and the sound of the drill, and the smells of everything. The dentist is a love and we have marvelous conversations. This crown that just went in is as close to perfect as it could be. It just slipped right, was seated comfortably, the bite is right, and all is well.

Then the drill. Novocaine because it was getting too deep. And then the decay had gone past filling and into the inlay stage. That took more time and another x-ray and another impression. It was a lot. I am not thirty any more and it has taken a LOT out of me. BUT, put on the comforting colors; get a comforting can of tomato basil soup; and off to work I go.

DUST TO DUST

2011-03-09T17:08:00.000-05:00

It is cold, overcast and dreary. I am feeling introspective and pensive. It must be the "ashes to ashes" thing of this beginning of Lent. So it seemed like a good time to play with the color options on my camera and see what happened. There is a sepia and a cyanatype option. The blue of cyanatype made a much brighter and optimistic picture. The sepia was more how I am feeling. Old in the fashion of time and thoughtful. Almost sad but not quite. Waiting.

I have settled on a Lenten discipline which I will just keep to myself for now. It requires both real daily discipline but involves creativity and reaching out to others in a thoughtful way. It will be good for me -- both the creativity, which I so enjoy and do not spend enough time developing, AND the reaching out which I usually do on the spur of the moment. So this is a good all round discipline. May God be with me these forty days.

GOD'S PROMISE -- AGAIN

2011-03-08T11:23:00.000-05:00

It was March of last year that I posted a crocus photo and then just stopped posting -- nothing, nada. And then I started in again at the beginning of this year with a posting every day. I really don't know why this happened. I don't know how long I will continue. As long as .....

These first spurts of color are still a promise from God. For me anyway. Today is Shrove Tuesday and tomorrow Ash Wednesday. I will not post Lenten stuff daily. If you guys want to read daily Lent blogs there are enough of them out there. Not for me. Not this year. I will just continue on in this same haphazard fashion posting what strikes me each day.

CREATION INCLUDES WORDS TOO

2011-03-07T14:12:00.000-05:00

I scan the CNN news site every morning. That's where I find out about a lot of weird stuff -- like the Trikke and the FiveFinger shoes. Health stuff, food stuff, and techy stuff. News too, of course.

This morning I came across Microsoft's 'Bing.' I had no clue so I checked it out in the posted article which you can read here. And that is where I came across the word 'meme' which I had never seen before. Hello, Wikepedia, and lo, and behold, a new word has come into existence. If you are interested you can read more than you'll ever want to know about the word here.

I love it, creation is just happening everywhere.

MAJOR MALFUNCTION

2011-03-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

Wednesday the washing machine decided to stop spinning. Of course, it contained a load of soggy clothes. What else? Bill was good enough to take them to the laundromat and spin them out while I was at church.

We needed to figure out how to even get into the working parts of the machine so Bill did some nosing around on the Internet and found some videos that showed repair jobs -- maybe. Saturday he ascertained that it couldn't be in the agitator function, it must be the transmission and for the price of a transmission we might just as well get a new washer.

Then I did some research on the web and because I couldn't get the Consumer Report that I needed, we went to the library. Got what I needed and we were off looking. I had an idea of what I wanted. Figured we might as well go with a front loader that was more energy efficient, used less water, and spun the clothes dryer. So all I needed to do was look at the product, get some pricing figures, and make a decision. We (I) made a decision but would not purchase the same day wanting to sit on it overnight. By this morning I was ready.

While I was at church, Bill removed the washer and dryer so that he could go about replacing the platform they had been sitting on for seventeen years. Longer as this is the second washer in here and the platform was in before that. Over the years there has been water -- seepage, bottomed out water heater, and just the usual heavy rain stuff -- so there was a lot of yukky decay. BUT the interesting thing is that when he moved the washer, right underneath it, on the platform, was an obvious worn out part.

More Internet searching. We found the part and the part number. Bill, who is just the best at taking things apart, located where the damaged/worn out part belongs. Now all we have to do is locate a new part (more Internet research), get it into the base of the washer, get the whole thing put back together again -- and hope it works.

BEGINNNG SHAWL MINISTRY

2011-03-05T18:55:00.000-05:00

A skein of yarn. Size thirteen circular needles.

Fifty seven cast on stitches.

It is a beginning.

The cast on and two rows were done last night at home. The remainder of the three and a half inches were done during the gathering of the new Shawl Ministry. Six women and two men knitting and crocheting shawls to give to others for solace and comfort. When they are finished they will be washed and blocked and dried and folded and placed on the altar for blessing. They will then be offered to whomever might want a comforting wrap around made with love and prayers, communion and fellowship.

It is much more than the beginning of a shawl, or even a ministry. It is the beginning of the bond that forms between those who gather for this work. The sharing of stories. Sharing sadness and hope, milestones and apprehension, pain and joy -- love for one another.

This is the beginning.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-03-04T08:32:00.003-05:00

It is being a challenging week. Emotionally and literally. I am really missing Jopa and Scott and Jimmy. I get to see them so seldom and when they are here I don't seem to get to know them well enough at all. Jeff I get to see more frequently; he is having car and job troubles and it is hard to know how to be positive, loving, and supportive. He is doing wonderfully well in the positive department. A role model for many.

Monday. What happened to Monday? I don't quite remember. There was Spanish class. I remember that. And I did not do too badly. But now I am supposed to be preparing an essay for NEXT Monday and, damn, it's half way here and I haven't even started. I guess I had better make that part of the weekend priority.

My deskmate at work went home violently ill on Tuesday and I was left with the wondering if I was next. So far not. And she was better on Thursday. Bill seems to be getting better also. Such a long slow healing. Of course, the fall down the stairs on Christmas Eve did not help his other health problems. His cough and lack of energy seem to be on the mend. That's uplifting for me. I was beginning to get VERY dragged down by his slow recovery.

Wednesday evening was the gathering of the two Episcopal congregations that worship at Grace. At our "1st Wednesday" gathering, I experienced a Bible study that went sour. Have never experienced that before and it has left me with a very uneasy feeling. I am still trying to work through all of that.

Going into the weekend I am looking forward to the gathering of the new Shawl Ministry -- maybe some solace and peace. And then Bill and I will take off for an adventure just for the two of us. Maybe a picture taking opp or maybe an IKEA shopping tour. I am really needing a decent chair. We'll see.

Life is interesting. Life is good. Bring on the weekend.

OLD OR OLDER?

2011-03-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

My eyesight is still very good -- with the aid of glasses, of course. I spotted this skeletal fragment on the ancient bricks in front of the shed. The snow has finally melted away and there it was. I brought it up onto the deck to show to Bill. The piece is just over three inches long and I have looked at it the other way around too -- upper jaw bone or lower jaw bone?. When I went to Ladies' Lunch that day, I drew a rough sketch on a napkin. It was thought that it might be a jawbone of an opossum. Hmmmm..... It has been a very long time since I have seen an opossum around. That, of course, does not mean that they aren't.

And then the question for me was how did this skeletal fragment get there? And where was the rest? And what happened? I guess this is the curiosity that inspires archaeologists. Following my curiosity is not going to happen. I'll leave that for others. But it was sure enlightening and thought provoking to find such a relic.

WHEN IT RAINS .....

2011-03-02T15:05:00.000-05:00

The Morton Salt girl is still happily walking in the rain under her umbrella with her box of salt freely flowing even in the dampness. Some how the expression "When it rains, it pours," always meant that when troubles came, there were going to be a LOT of troubles. Then comes the Morton Salt girl making light of the expression.

When my washing machine went this morning, I thought of the expression. There were still wet clothes with which to contend. There was a time frame within which to work it out -- not. Bill was not in a mood to deal with it. The repair service could not schedule me until way next week and then not at a good time.

The church newsletter was giving me agita. Paying the monthly bills was more agita -- more imagined than real, actually. It's just the principle of the thing. Money going out as fast as it comes in. Then the camera batteries were low -- again. And the SD card didn't seem to be downloading properly. Time is running out for a needed grocery stop.

All little annoyances in the big picture of things. Perhaps that is why the Morton Salt girl smiles. She knows the secret. Don't sweat the small stuff. Suck it up. Move on.

SISTERS ARE THE BEST

2011-03-01T19:09:00.000-05:00

Happiness is getting a phone call from my sister. Jac does not do AIM or FB chat. So once in a while we use the landline. And it is a great hour of talk, catching up on what is happening to us, how we feel about all of that, and how we think about it going forward. And she can say whatever she wants, and I will accept that. AND I can say whatever I want, and she will accept it. Does not make a difference whether we like it, love it, condone it, hate it, doesn't matter. We listen. What a lost art it that? Listening. There ought to be listening courses. No one knows how to do that anymore. THESE sisters do. We listen. We love. Doesn't get any better than that.

SOME DAYS ....

2011-02-28T18:08:00.000-05:00

Yup, some days just don't turn out the way one has anticipated.

LONESOME

2011-02-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

Family gone. House is empty. Quiet. Really enjoyed the young voices and their activity, even their banter. Jopa left behind the remainder of his peanuts from Five Guys. I finished them. Now all I have are the empty shells which are pretty much like the empty house -- stuff to tidy up and put away to get it back into the semi order that we like to live in. The shells will go on the compost pile to settle into plant food. The pillows and blankets and air mattresses will once again be stashed into the closet to await the next visit. Sheets and towels into the laundry. In a day or two it will be like no one was here. But not quite. I have all the good memories of us being together.

THE FUN CONTINUES

2011-02-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

Jopa and Gabriel are getting reacquainted. We are all reacquainting and having great fun. Off to the Beardsley Zoo and the Barnum Museum today. Hoping for some fun pictures. Family dinner tonight. Grandma is a happy camper.

OH NOOooooo.......

2011-02-25T21:56:00.000-05:00

Duh! Something went awry. I had a "Friday" blog scheduled to go live at nine this morning. Didn't happen. Oh, Well!

JOY TO THE WORLD

2011-02-24T10:51:00.000-05:00

Michael Martchenko illustration from The Paper Bag Princess

Jopa is coming!!!! I am a VERY happy grandma. Jopa is short for Joseph Patrick, almost eleven, and the youngest of my grandchildren. Jimmy, number three, will continue on with his dad to Boston for a college visit then back again for a short bit before all return to their home in Pennsylvania.

Uncle Jeff is going to do Family Tree stuff and we'll do some candle making and Saturday a photo opp at Beardsley Zoo. Then the fun of downloading and 'playing' with photos. Family Dinner. Ooooh, I'm a happy person

2011-02-23T11:44:00.000-05:00

Awwww, how cute. And clean. And smelling fresh and powdery. And wondering why he is suddenly getting so much attention. This got me to thinking about how much I tend to make assumptions about appearances. And it really isn't fair. He's the same as yesterday, just better groomed -- and definitely better smelling. Still in all, just the same.

OFF TO THE GROOMER

2011-02-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

This is obviously the "before" picture. Gabriel really is needing a bath and a trim. Although it has turned quite cold I just can't put it off any longer. AND family is coming in and I don't want to have a smelly, grungy dog around -- because he will choose one of them to be his best buddy.

Having him out of the house and getting cleaned up necessitates all kinds of laundry so that when he comes home we get a fresh start. I hadn't realized how bad it was until a few nights ago as I was watching TV with my cozy, fluffy blanket, I got a good whiff of DOG. Ooops, time to go to the groomer.

ONE MORE TIME?...

2011-02-21T08:48:00.000-05:00

This morning I wakened to a fresh layer of purifying snow. And the snow is still coming down. So soft and white. My world is clean again. The air is crisp and moist and invigorating and it isn't terribly cold.

I went out picture taking first thing. Garden Cupid is once again covered by new snow. I went went out again when I heard a Cardinal close by. I couldn't find it but there were several of them communicating from the tree tops. The world was so quiet they were easy to hear -- not so easy to see.

It feels like God felt my angst and sent me comfort -- a soft, clean, fresh start. A period of quiet during which I can relax and let go of assumed troubles. A renewal. A purification. Peace. Thank you, God.

CONFLICTED

2011-02-20T20:31:00.000-05:00

I am feeling very much like this. Right side up and upside down and not knowing which is the right way around. Or if there even is a 'right' way around. Sometimes it is hard to figure it out.

I think I am mostly just worn down with trying to be something I'm not and not knowing how to be the something that I am. Wanting to by wise and understanding and supporting. And not. It works for a while and then it all falls apart. And then on top of that not being understood for the falling apart and the hurt that happens. Just gut wrenching hurt because I cannot be the person I think I need to be.

Key here is the 'what I think I need to be.' I am guessing that I set myself up for more than I can handle and then when I fail it feels disastrous. What I would like to do going forward is just to be more honest with myself about what I can do and what I cannot do. It isn't a matter of wanting to change anything -- exactly. It is just learning to deal with the realities and accepting them.

Oh dear God, be here with me in my hurt. Help me to learn to grow in your love and acceptance. Learn daily. Learn hourly. Learn with the passage of time that my sight is toward loving my neighbor. I am not going to even say ...as myself, because I am not loving myself very well this evening. But tomorrow is another day and God will see me through the night with love and kindness and healing for the morrow.

2011-02-19T14:08:00.000-05:00

Michael Martchenko illustration from The Paper Bag Princess

This is how life is feeling for me today. Tomorrow will be better.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-02-18T09:00:00.001-05:00

I love Fridays. It means I get to work for the whole day. Get to be a real people in the working world. For one day. Friday. For one day I can deal with the crazies and the needy and the whiny and the demanding and ugly and the snobs and the appreciative and thankful -- the public. Being a service provider is really tough, draining, demanding,frustrating, tiresome, rewarding. The 'public' comes in all shapes, sizes, needs, attitudes. The public is us. How do we engage service providers on the other side of the counter/window/desk?

WINTER MOON

2011-02-17T10:19:00.000-05:00

Almost full moon last night. The air was crisp and clear. Driving wasn't even too bad. We had been up to Oakdale to see David Garrett. Bill was thrilled -- it was loud, he could hear, the music was good for him. I am still not used the the extreme amplification. Some of the music was music for me. A lot of it was just loud rhythm. I was glad that it was a good experience for Bill. I think he misses out on a lot because of his hearing deficiency.

The worst part of the evening was getting lost. In the dark. On the off roads of Connecticut. We were an hour and a half getting to where we wanted to be, after we were already in the right vicinity, and that was after twice asking directions. The first of which were wrong sending us south on I91 instead of north. We found ourselves suddenly in New Haven which is a l o n g a way from Wallingford. We found a policeman who when I told him we were lost and needed directions to Wallingford was flabbergasted that we were so far off track.

We finally did get to Oakford -- and just on time, at that. What an amazing venue. Every seat is a good seat. And set up so that there is no need for video screens to see what you came to see -- like Harbor Yard in Bridgeport. I'll never go there again. Too big. Too many people. Too, too.

I experienced an appreciation for the lighting effects of which I had not before been aware. Not affect for effect but a genuinely integral part of the music presentation. Really enhanced the program. My nephew is in this line of work and I now have an admiration for the work that he does. Go Bremmie!

The natural lighting effects of the moon are still a bigger thrill for me. Always unique. I discovered last evening a setting on my camera that says 'Nightscape." Whoa! What a find. This is one of the first photos. This year of blogging with mostly new photos each day is a real learning experience for me. I am learning about my camera. I am learning to use the Windows Photo Gallery program. Now I have to concentrate some more on composition.

Tomorrow night a "full" moon. Great fun ...

WINTER GRUNGE

2011-02-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

The melting snow is leaving behind the soot and salt and sand and grunge that is part of winter. That's outside. Inside Gabriel seems to be a magnet for all kinds of winter grunge both from the outside and the inside. I am reluctant to bathe him as the house is quite cool. It is time for the groomer.

Last evening I watched the last of the Westminster Dog Show. What beautifully goomed dogs. And last minute grooming touches were being applied even in the ring before their judgement walk. These dogs love this grooming process. It is part of their lives. A BIG part. For Gabriel, not so much. I actually started out with him as a pup with the comb and brush and kithen sink baths and the hair dryer and the clippers. He just never did take to it. As time went on it became more and more of a struggle until I finally caved and found a groomer for him.

I don't know if he likes the grooming process that he gets every six to eight weeks. I don't care. It is going to happen anyway. I can't do it, so let a professional do it.

BARGAINS

2011-02-15T10:56:00.000-05:00

I love a bargain. And 30% off is just too much to not use. Not that I need anything. Mostly don't even want anything. But, coupon in hand, I peruse the the store. The whole store. Generally, I end up purchasing baby clothes for the new babies at Malta House. Or maybe some white socks for the homeless shelter. Just can't let that 30% off go to waste.

During the Christmas buying season there were numerous 33% off coupons at Borders. I used those to purchase Spanish children's books. OR I bought Christmas presents for the family. Never could let one of those suckers go to waste either.

Now that the Holidays are past there are fewer and fewer coupons and bargains are hard to come by. Then I got to thinking this morning that the most splendiferous bargain that I have is God's love. And that's FREE.

SUNSHINE

2011-02-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

We have sunshine. We have shadows. We can see sprigs of green out there. And if you squint a little you can see the garden cupid out there by the tree emerging from the snow.

The warmth on the back is like a kiss from God. Yes, there is a tomorrow, and, yes, there will be spring. Oh, we will have more cold, to be sure. And rain. And a lot of wind. We have to have the wind to dry up the rain. And then we will have sprouts and leaves and eventually even flowers.

Really, it is so good to feel God's love and hope in my life.

IT'S STILL WINTER

2011-02-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

It is still winter. There are still mounds of snow. The snow is dirty. Parking is miserable. It is still cold. And I am CRANKY.

LEFT OVERS

2011-02-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

Last night's pizza. Even better for lunch.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-02-11T09:00:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I got right up, had my coffee and a yogurt, dressed and was off for my dentist appointment. I arrived there at eight thirty for an eight forty-five appointment (I'm always early. I get that from my dad). After unbundling - earband, hat, mittens, coat and settling into my book, the receptionist poked her head around the corner, "Barb," she said, "What are you doing here?"

"I have an appointmet. It's the tenth, isn't it?"

She consulted her computer, looked up, and said, "MARCH tenth, honey."

I bundled back up and went home, had another cup of coffee, finished the daily puzzles, wrote my blog for the day, and, of course, adjusted my calender for March. Don't know how I got that wrong. Must have just not been paying attention when I wrote it in my Day Runner.

I am usually pretty good about keeping my calendar in order. I try to keep Birthdays too. But just because I write the Birthday in doesn't mean that I am going to remember to do something about it. I am really bad about Birthday greetings. AND I have been known to miss lunch dates completely. Just blow them off. Be in the car on the way to anywhere, look at my watch and realize I shoud have had lunch with 'x' an hour earlier. Those gaffs are really hard to face. I haven't done that in quite a while because the last one was such an embarrassment.

Life is full of mistakes. Seems like I make more than my share. And I chew over them horribly for days, tieing myself up in knots, condemning my poor behavior, and generally being in a huge funk. Then I remember about grace and forgiveness. God forgives everything. I remind myself that having made the amends that I could, I just need to forgive myself and move forward.

Forgiveness is freeing.

A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE

2011-02-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

This is my second attempt to bake bread in the crock pot. At the same time I was trying to get away from the white bread thing, thinking that Bill might be allergic to wheat. The first attempt was a gluten free bread mix. My mistake on that attempt was that the setting on the crock pot was on Warm instead of High. Well, the yeast really worked -- gooey, sticky up and over the sides of the pan. When I realized my error, I scooped it all up and plunked it back into the pan and turned the setting to High. The loaf baked, tasted good but was a galumpy, funny looking loaf. Forgot to take pics.

This time around I did the scratch thing with spelt four. Yes, I know, spelt has gluten but some people can tolerate it. This was my first experience with spelt flour. My first mistake here was that I was proofing the starter and forgot to add in the yeast. Once the yeast was in, it bubbled up and I was able to make a decent looking loaf.

Here is is going into the crock pot -- on High this time.

An hour later and it is rising well.

Two hours later and it hasn't risen any more at all and the top is beginning to crack. I'm thinking that this has to be the spelt flour and not the crock pot. But I am open to whatever happens.

Three and a half hours and it seems done. Not a spectacular looking loaf even on the inside. Pretty dense. I haven't tasted it yet so don't know how that will be. It will probably make great croutons or snack toasts.

I am out to lunch on spelt. I am delighted that I can bake one loaf efficiently in the crock pot. I wouldn't have known about this except for reading about it in "Make It Fast, Cook It Slow" by Stephanie O'Dea. I am anxious to get another of the gluten-free mixes and see how that does. Maybe next week.

BRRRR.... COLD -- AGAIN!

2011-02-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling pretty much 'holed' in on this cold day. Not much ambition . Things not going as well as they might. Hanging in for the rest of the day and trying to make the most of being cold, being surrounded by cold, dirty snow; and trying to make do without sunshine. I am glomming on to the 'all will be well' from Julian of Norwich. It is a good prayer to remember and has seen me through many a bad spell. THIS is not a bad spell. It is just a little low point, and life does deal us those once in a while.

"All shall be well,

and all shall be well,

and all manner of things shall be well"

IN PRAISE OF BUTTER

2011-02-08T10:29:00.000-05:00

There is something to be said for butter: TASTE. It is just plain good. Wonderful, in fact.

When I awakened this morning there were memories of oleo floating through my brain. Remember oleo? That was the forerunner of margarine. It came in a one pound block -- white. Lardy. Tasteless. Included with this was a little packet of "color." The oleo was put into a bowl and allowed to soften to room temperature, then mushed around with a spoon until it was malleable. Then the "color" packet was v e r y carefully opened. If it spilled anyplace but on top of the oleo it was a horrendous mess and almost impossible to clean up.

One worked the color into the oleo. Slowly. It had to be smushed and shoved, pressed and pushed, worked and reworked for a very long time. The color had to be completely incorporated leaving no streaks. Just one smooth, continuous color. After all, it was supposed to look like butter. I don't remember how it was packaged and put away for use. In fact, I don't remember even using it on toast or anything else.

After the block of oleo with the color packet came a revolutionary new coloring method. A soft pliable envelope type -- oblong -- could have been plastic (?). The container, whatever it was, was left out to get to room temperature, then squished and squeezed until pliable and THEN on one side was a little capsule, that when pinched, released color into the oleo. More squishing and squeezing to get the color uniform. Again, I don't remember how this package was opened or stored or how its contents were used. I think at this time we referred to this as 'margarine' or maybe even oleo margarine.

The margarines that saturate the market are too numerous to now consider. Some are touted to be more healthy than others. Many claim to taste just like butter. Others have additions of "good" oils and vitamins. They don't taste like butter.

Butter is best!

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

2011-02-07T15:04:00.000-05:00

Our Billy at five weeks is working on charachter building. His in particular.

And it is very hard work as you can see. First one has to make a little fuss and wake up and get the attention of everyone around. And it wasn't hard at all because we were all just waiting for his eyes to open so we could see him in action.

Then one has to concentrate on just what kind of an individual one would like to be. Hmmmm. a character character. Someone with clout. Someone with opinions. Yep, opinions.

Well, that was hard work. Time out for some rest. He really is sweet when relaxed. Peaceful little guy. Can't wait until our next visit to see how much he has changed.

OUT OF THE SNOW

2011-02-06T16:53:00.000-05:00

We are emerging from the snow. This must be what it is like for the animals that hibernate. We are coming into a new, warm world after being buried beneath the snows of winter. Everything slowed down. Activity seemed very limited. We were not able to move about at our accustomed pace nor get to the places and activities of our liking. It was life slowed down to a minimum of living.

There may be more snow, but it won’t be like these have been. We have melting now. We have sunshine. We have the promise of a new world and a new day. Renewed life. Thanks Be To God!

BLEAK MID WINTER

2011-02-05T12:26:00.001-05:00

It is gray. VERY gray. The icicles are not even dripping. Activity is at some kind of standstill. There is a mist in the air. Not rain. Not sleet. Not snow. Just a fine, fine mist that is settling onto our world as a very slippery glaze. The temperature hovers between 28 and 31. It is a dreary world for me. Depressing!

I am taking down Christmas and that is depressing also. Dusting off all the little creche figures and wrapping them in tissue. A hope and a prayer for the coming Christmas when they all come out again. Hmmmm... Why don't we leave the creches up all year? Why is it such a "Christmas" thing? I'll have to think on that.

We do have this reminder on the cradenza. Mary and Joseph, a gift Jeff brought back from one of his travels. The angel a gift from Jacquie. So when Christmas is all put away I will still have daily reminders of the people who know and love me in ways that are important in my life. I guess I really don't need to be depressed after all. The grayness of the day is outside. Warmth and love are in my heart.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-02-04T09:00:00.001-05:00

This has been such an out of the ordinary week that it hardly seems possible to have Friday here already. First off, Monday, I was tied up the whole day trying to get the church newsletter done and then, because we had so much snow, Tuesday afternoon work was cancelled and I continued on with the newsletter until the end of the day. And then all of a sudden it was Wednesday and school was cancelled again as was our evening church event. So I was still home and trying to catch up on the first of the month bill paying and whatever else I let go while doing the newsletter.

Thursday came and went in a flash. Because I hadn't been into the office since the Friday before, I was doing my best to catch up on who was in the hospital, who was out, who was coming in for appointments, filing, and on and on for the day until suddenly it was time to go home. AND oddly enough at five it was quite light and bright outside. That felt really good.

And so Friday got to be on top up me and it doesn't even feel like I have worked up to it yet. Oh well, I'll get through it all and then have the glorious weekend.

WINTER BLAHS ...

2011-02-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

I'm lovin' the snow but I just needed to stop and have a spring fix.

A little color, ya know?

TREACHEROUS BEAUTY

2011-02-02T12:55:00.000-05:00

There is everywhere ice. When I took Gabriel out this morning it was soft ice. Soft and textured. I was careful. I did not fall. The temperature is iffy. Some places locally are a little colder than others. The telephoned Police Alert advises us to stay off the streets and DO NOT TOUCH fallen branches as power lines have been pulled down.

It is so very beautiful. Hard to understand how such beauty can be such a danger. It seems like some kind of trick. Sometimes I feel as though life is like that also -- some kind of trick. I go along and everything seems peaceful and good and then -- wham -- I get blindsided. Sometimes that is because I am just unaware and not paying attention to the whole of life. Zeroed in on my own self too much maybe. Have to pay more attention to what is going on in the lives of the people around me. Open myself up to the needs and feelings of others.

NOT WHITE

2011-02-01T10:39:00.000-05:00

'That is not white,' said I after the fresh paint had been applied under the sink.
'It's white,' says he.
'Not white,' I reply.
'The paint can says white - something or other,' he says.
'Just look,' I say, 'the PVC pipe is white, the toilet tissue is white, the paint is NOT white."

We have had these 'color' conversations before. Never quite so graphic as this though. I am always startled at how differently we see things. Now this is obviously not white to me. And it is just as obvious to him that it is white. These observations spill over into other areas of our life together and it is more than frustrating for me.

Some things are not worth the discussion. Especially where the memory of how/what transpired is concerned. I am learning to let those things go. Not easily, I might add. This, however, just made me so furious. This is something that any numnut should be albe to see. Is it me? Am I wrong again? I don't think so. Not this time. And I'm holding on to that.

2011-01-31T10:13:00.001-05:00

Toe socks for my Five Finger shoes. In the warmer weather I don't wear socks but when it gets cold.... And now with the wet snow on the ground, I can't wear the Five Finger shoes; I wear my furry lined Crocs. I still wear the toe socks though.

SUNDAY CROSSWORD

2011-01-30T14:16:00.001-05:00

Here it is Sunday again. And every Sunday I dutifully take out the puzzle page, fold it just so, put it down on the table, and -- look at it. Then I look at LAST weeks puzzle, which, by the way this one is. I don't get very far with Sunday's Crosswords. I do Monday through Wednesday pretty thoroughly. Thursday and Friday, not so much. Saturday is pretty iffy too. Sunday is my greatest challenge.

My sister, Jacquie, does ALL of the Sunday Crossword. With very little or no help from Google. She has a store of facts -- current, obscure, and historical -- and is aware of all the nuances and subtleties that are inherent in the clues. Our dad did crosswords. For as far back as I can remember. Jacquie had the privilege of sharing the morning crossword adventure with him for many years. I suppose it must have been a "bonding" time for them. I am a little jealous of that, but I am so happy that she has those memories of their time together.

STILL CHRISTMAS

2011-01-29T10:54:00.000-05:00

It is still "Christmas" at our house. It is Saturday. The sun is shining. There are great piles of snow everywhere. I am lovin' it all.

The weather gurus and the media hype mongers are warning about the next snow to come that will dump another ten to eighteen inches of snow. Already the masses are moaning and groaning about the inconveniences of it all. BRING IT ON!!! Let's enjoy it. Let's savor it. It will be here such a short time. Then we can enjoy spring and all of it's wonders -- like the endless rain that people are then going to be complaining about.

Why is it that what we have is never just right? Not round enough, not warm enough. Not soft enough, not sunny enough. What is that about us anyway? Let's just enjoy the day. Enjoy the moment. Whatever it is will be different soon. And that will be another challenge for enjoyment.

IT'S FRIDAY

2011-01-28T09:00:00.001-05:00

Connecticult is still digging out from underneath the snow. It is the main topic of conversation everywhere. Everyone has a story to tell -- and so willing to tell it.

Would that we were so willing to tell other stories, stories of our lives, faith stories, stories about how we deal with prayer and God and forgiveness and all that stuff. But we don't. We can tell the snow stories, but the stories that are at the core of our being seem difficult to tell.

At Grace Episcopal Church we are learning to tell our stories. We have created a friendly environment that is non-threatening and trusting. It becomes a comfortable atmosphere in which to share our stories. We are not judgmental and we honor confidentiality. Our stories are who we are and by sharing them we share ourselves. Our collective stories are the stories of the people of God and unite us as the People of God.

... AND YET AGAIN

2011-01-27T10:54:00.001-05:00

This is what I can see from the upstairs back window. Cupid is underneath there somewhere. I hope he is well insulated and comes back to us still smiling with wonder after the thaw. This has been amazing. Later I hope to get a picture of Gabriel out between the front walk banks of snow.

... AND MORE SNOW

2011-01-26T11:46:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow morning's snow arrived TODAY!!! I had a seven AM appointment at the dentist. When I came out at eight thirty it was SNOWING!! I was glad that I could drive home and just stay in for the rest of the day. Being semi-retired allows for some benefits. Wednesday is NOT my day to work.

So, two froached eggs, two pieces of white toast with butter, and some good coffee. An hour and a half in the dentist chair does deserve reward. Read the paper. Checked e-mail. Snow. Snow. Snow. Some times thick, fat clumps. Sometimes big flakes. Constant, though. By the time I decided to take some pictures of the garden cupid, I had to shovel the deck. All this beautiful, amazing snow.

Now onto the daily puzzles and some "Tell Me More" Spanish. Life is good!

SNOW IN CONNECTICUT -- AGAIN

2011-01-25T09:37:00.000-05:00

Ah, more snow. Beautiful clean white snow. Soft. Fluffy. This must be where the saying 'pure as the driven snow' comes from. Except that this isn't driven, it is just drifting gently down on top of what was already there. Covering up whatever sins lie there. Giving us a clean slate. Purifying our world. Giving us the promise of a newer, better day.