SHORT DAY

This day has not been long enough to accomplish all that I had planned or all that planned itself as the day happened. Plans, people. Did you get that? I have plans. Starting with breakfast and continuing through exercise....plans. And goals accomplished. I am overjoyed with this new set of happenings in my life.

Yes, a new shelf in the cellar pantry. Yes, file drawer hanging file supports. And, yes, even the 'put things away' part after these were accomplished. Such simple little achievements really can make a day worthwhile.

And then the realization that my new drawing was bogged down in lavender hues. Added art store to the day's errand running and purchased green. I am NOT a green person but this graphic, free form, creation is crying out for green. So green it is. This is something new. Something that just bubbled up out of nowhere and said 'draw' and so I did/am. Maybe it needs some yellow too but not quite yet. I am new to this kind of thing. Will let it sit on the table and just 'zen' it for a while.

One of my goals -- established frivolously at a church gathering -- is to produce and send two greeting cards per week. Well, I just said send two cards but I am so personally conceited that I have to produce my own with my own art in some form or another be it a photo or poem or drawing or something original. Today I was doing a photo and the color ink cartridge went gone and produced a picture on the card that was really quite an art form. Given this 'mistake' I am now pursuing other color options with my photo. Great fun.

And I didn't get it all done and tomorrow is another day and I get to do even more. Life is good!

CAN O' WORMS

Life is like a can of worms. I guess that's okay if you are a fisher person. I am not. I think this saying comes from the fact that if you have a can of worms and the top comes off, the worms are going to wiggle and squiggle and squirm all over creation and never again be back in the place that they had been. It is like chaos creating more chaos... Life.

I did get up at seven this morning. And I did get on the treadmill for fifteen minutes. Hey, wait a minute. I know that isn't the usual thirty minute's worth but even half the time is better than no time at all. Right? Yes, of course. AND I even did a couple, well three of the floor back exercises. A very good start for my day.

Wanting to create a little order in my chaos, I sorted out all of the 2007 financial stuff, stacked it neatly into two piles, and placed it all into hanging file folders and took them down to the cellar where I have my filing cabinet. Hmmmm. Top two drawers are full beyond cramming. Ah, the third drawer is empty. BUT the hanging file structure isn't in place. Well, that's simple I know how to do that. Upstairs to get a screw driver. Back down to the task only to discover that the lengthwise supports are too long for the drawer. Okay, again. I know what to do. The supports are notched and should break off with the application of a little pressure with a pair of pliers. Not! I just didn't have the strength. And Bill was working out in the yard avoiding my angst at the chaos of cardboard boxes on the cellar floor.

Not to be daunted, I decided to leave the pile of finances, and the unfinished hanging file insert supports and work on the pantry cupboard instead. Emptied out two shelves into a box on the cellar floor, wiped out the cabinet, and decided that a better use of the space could be made by moving the one shelf up a good bit and asking Bill to make me an additional shelf. Took out the shelf. Removed the shelf pegs. Decided where I needed the shelf to be. Pegs wouldn't fit into the holes. ARGH!!!

By this time it was necessary to shower and dress for work. Left the filing cabinet mess, left the pantry mess. Will address the whole thing tomorrow when I have renewed energy and more time.

Goals! I have goals!

LETHARGIC BOREDOM

Monday is usually my energetic day. But today the energy just wasn't there. Bill was busy at his computer all day writing a 'business plan' for himself and his new venture. He has decided that since he isn't driving the bus, he had better get busy and develop his long dreamed of business. So a business plan.

Maybe 'I' need a business plan. Maybe I need a kick in the butt to get moving here. I haven't even been on the treadmill since before Thanksgiving. My back is touchy/tender because I haven't been doing my back stretches and exercises. I am awash in my own apathy. No motivation, no goals, no nothing. I need some kind of jolt to get me going. Some spark. Some desire to do something -- anything.

Reading may be a good thing. I have Fahrenheit 451 to finish by the 21st for Book Club. That could be a start. I might think about getting up at a decent hour and getting on the treadmill. When Bill was driving I was up at five thirty. This morning I didn't stir until eight. Now that is just plain disgraceful. Then dallying at the breakfast table over Sudoku and coffee. A load of laundry. Clean out part of a cupboard. I am just plain b o r i n g. Boring! Boring! Boring!

Action! That is what I need. Any ol' kind of action at all will do. And since Bill is so busy writing a business plan, perhaps I will at least try a daily 'to do' list. Some simple goals to get me started. Action to get the body and the mind going again. Doing sudoku puzzles to keep my mind alert isn't doing me one whit of good unless I put the mind to work with the body and get something accomplished. Anything.

So. I am off to get the 2007 financial papers sorted and filed away. That is good. Clean out the old year to let the new year have room to formulate. Yes, this is good!

THEME B'DAMNED

After considering theme, it occurs to me that I am NOT a theme person. I am a person of whims, phases, fads, and whatever current issue happens to be effecting ME. And so it will be. From God to dog. From JesusGod to GabrielDog and all else that comes into my life. Like my son, Jeffri, who celebrates his 48th birthday this day. OUCH! Imagine a son of that age, and yet we manage the spread of the generations well, supporting and encouraging one another in many areas of our lives.

Gabriel, by the way, is doing splendidly. The one stitch in the outer corner of his left eye is about to fall away, the swelling is down, it is less sensitive. He is really a trouper when it comes to suffering the application of neosporin and the oral intake of antibiotic and whatever else it is that I was sent home with to give him. He is eating well, eliminating well, and last night found it necessary to return to our bed. I hope to have some before and after pics to post soon.

Tomorrow is the Annual Meeting at our church. We elect officers, who serve one year at a time, and Vestry members for three. Actually we are fortunate this year to be able to have a one year nominee who will bring us to full quota for the first time in several years. The full vestry is nine Vestry members, serving three years each, one third rotating off each year, plus four officers.

Tomorrow's sermon will be the Priest-in-Charge's address to the Annual Meeting. It is going to be blunt and to the point. This is the year we turn everything around OR go into a plan for closing our doors. This is frightfully difficult for me. I love this church. And I love most of the people. I do not want to see our doors close. I want it to work. And yet if people do not wake up......

THE JESUS EXCLUSION

Something really odd happened to me today. I was having a conversation with a co-worker. One of our patients had suddenly died from a choking accident. His wife happened to be with him. I said how hard it must be for her to have him gone so suddenly. She and I are both widowed but we had many weeks notice on the death -- a time to prepare, if that is possible. So I said to her how hard it must be for Mrs. X because she had no preparation time as we did. And she replied that it is okay if she knew that he was a person of faith. She knew personally that her husband was ready, knowing that he was going to be with Jesus. And that how tormented people are when they don't know where their people are -- after death. I must have had a blank look on my face because in a few minutes she said to me, well, my husband knew he was going to Jesus and so I know he is with Jesus and is at peace there. To which I replied that I had never even thought about where my husband was. Never occurred to me to question that. I have just always assumed that when one died one went to God. Oh, but that isn't what he taught us. The "he" being Jesus. and the reference was probably one from this morning's reading from John 14: "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but by me."

Hmmmm..... All well and good. But what about all the Arabs and Jews and Chinese and Koreans and American Indians and East Indians and Eskimos and ALL of the peoples who are not necessarily Christian? They get excluded from heaven? OR are there separate heavens, each to their own kind. I don't think that was what Jesus was teaching. I always thought Jesus was sent to all of us. I thought God made humankind in God's own image. I wonder if this co-worker has a blond, blue eyed Jesus where all of her kind can be in the afterlife exclusively. I know her heaven probably doesn't include GLBT people either. Her loss.

BUT, I did not question any of this aloud. She is a new, raw, widow. If this is comfort for her, so be it. But, I was crushed that her thinking was so narrow as to not include so many of the people that I hold so dear. To not include ME. It set up for me a situation where I am on one side of a theological divide and she is on another. It is hurtful to have a friend like this. And given all this, IS she a friend. I don't know. I have very mixed feelings about all of this right now.

Of one thing, I am sure -- God is an all inclusive God. If the Trinity is, then Jesus is a part of this. But God is still God, and God is all inclusive. If Christians are going to set up a situation where Jesus is the head of a separate entity, I think I will rethink Christianity.

ADDITIONAL DISTRESS

Tagging on to yesterday's personal woes there was the big wind we had here in the east as the 'new' front moved in. Gusty enough to blow three sections of our stockade fence onto the car in the driveway next door. Right onto the hood and fender. No answer as I rang their bell. No answer from the phone. So we took pictures and removed the fence.

Later in the day I called the homowner insurance agent for guidance. We did not really want to make a claim for the fence as our deductable is more than it is going to be to replace these sections. BUT, I was wondering about the claim from the neighbor. There was some question from the agent about whether it was even our responsibility OR the responsibility of the neighbor's own insurance, be it homeowner's or car.

It would seem that since our driveways abut, actually overlap at the street end, we would be 'neighborly.' Somehow over the years we have fallen into disagreement about how we care for our property and they have chosen to ignore us. Even after attempts to bridge the gap, I have been rebuffed. So it is. Bill and I decided that we would make no further attempts to contact them, but would be open to conversation if they approached us. And so that is how it has been left.

Today Bill goes about the business of breaking up the old fence sections and taking them to the dump and beginning the digging of new post holes while the weather is warm. Life goes on but it is just one more little niggling thing. And I am upset by these niggles. My cope ability seems to be at a low ebb.

THEME

Most all of the blogs that I read have a theme. Or a continuous thread of sorts. I became very bogged down in the contemplation of just where I wanted to go with this blog. In fact, I have been so bogged that I became completely unproductive. Absent. No posts. UGH!

And still I have made no determination about theme or thread. I have a ton of interests. Mostly passing interests. Some hang around longer than others but I seem to be a phase/fad person. AND, this is okay, I suppose, if I can accept this about myself. I am consistent in inconsistency.

The constants in my life are my relationship, my dog, my church, my job. And not necessarily in that order. At all. Sometimes one is more demanding or high priority than another. My frustration arises when any one is in conflict. Maybe that is what is happening now. Too much upheaval in all of these is making me crazy.

Relationship just lost job, dog just had eye implant surgery, church is floundering, job is testy. Any one of these happening is enough to put me off but all of them together is taking a toll. I have become short tempered, forgetful, irrational, sensitive, to name a very few of my current tendencies.

Maybe a review of what is going on will help to establish possible ways forward. I'll talk about the dog first: Gabriel is a six and a half year old, eight and a half pound Shih Tzu. He lost the sight in one eye due to a "trauma" or horrendous glaucoma pressure. Now either one of these things might have been an obvious occurrence as I look back over time. But I would have thought that I might have been aware of that change. OR taken more seriously symptoms when I did check in with the vet. There is niggling guilt. Hindsight is guilt ridden. BUT, the good news is that he is home from the Eye Clinic today and doing just fine. He is on such a mixed schedule of meds that I had to draw up a chart in order to administer them at the proper times. Gabriel is among the good things in my life.

The loss of a job is trauma. Emotional trauma. Spouse has been happily driving a school bus for five years -- enjoys the kids, enjoys the driving, enjoys the hours, enjoys the money. Make that enjoyED. The three accident rule holds whether the accident(s) your fault or not. So, no job. This is a personal loss for him. A judgement on his character. And he has even told me that grieving is necessary. But he wondered if he knew how to do that. I hope he does. For his own sake. And he has many talents and many opportunities so it will work out. In the meantime, however, our, make that MY, routine is completely destroyed. And I do not deal with change very well. Hence the change in my behavior.

The Episcopal Church (TEC) is undergoing major problems right now. And my particular little parish is not fairing very well either -- not for the same reasons -- but both are troublesome. I can put the TEC stuff in perspective and hope that reason will prevail. The parish, however, is in serious trouble. It was financial, still is for that matter. But more, it is a "people" problem. Lack of participation, lack of interest, lack of caring, lack of being involved, lack of serving -- L A C K!! I struggle with trying not to do too much. I struggle with people being so consuming of what is offered and not doing any offering. I struggle with the people who refuse to accept change. I struggle with people who think the church is ALWAYS going to be there for them. I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them that they had better wake up or there isn't going to be a church there for them at all in another year or so if they continue in this same mode. So, I do what I can. And worry. And pray.

At work we are being bombarded with personality conflicts. When systems are in place, and working for the good of all, someone comes along and decides that "their" way is better. In fact it could very well BE better, but if it throws the system off kilter, is isn't better in the long run. And, of course, there is the one who can't accept change; and the one who cannot accept direction. Life is too short for all of these prima donna histrionics. I want to just go in (I work part time) do my job and go home. I don't need the undercurrent of who has been slighted, who has been hurt, 'who has been ignored, who thinks they know better, who bla bla bla. Life is just too short for all this idiocy. I like the job. It is close to home. It is enjoyable work. I like the hours. I like the pay. And I like most of the people -- individually. So I go in, do my job, try to ignore the garbage and leave it on the threshold when go home.

So this explains my long absence from this blog. It does not, however, establish a theme. Unless, of course, it is the day to day of these pieces of my life. And maybe that is okay.

On a brighter note, we stopped in at an art store this week. I was looking for the right weight paper upon which to print my church business cards. While there I passed a color pencil sale. Soft color pencils. I have many color pencils but not this 'soft' variety. I bought six. Lavender hues. I am playing with how they go onto paper in density as I get involved is curving shapes. Maybe pictures down the road.