"PRAY FOR ME"

This is Bishop Gene's plea to us in his blog from Canterbury. Go on over and read the whole message. He is hurting -- and angry. He is feeling the pains of being a gay person in what is assumed by straight people to be a straight world. Well, people, it ISN'T a straight world. It is a great big conglomeration of a LOT of differences, sexuality being probably one of the least of differences. I will pray for Bishop Gene.

I remember being different. For some reason, around the age of twelve, my style of walking was just not right. I walked with my forehead leading the way and my butt bringing up a prominent rear. And my strides were very long. I didn't know about this difference until one day in the classroom a fellow student did a gross imitation of my walk and the resultant sniggering from my classmates was so embarrassing. Humiliating. I looked different. I was different. The same but different. Why is it that some differences are so painful? I think in many instances it is because other people are not willing to accept differences and are very quick to make issues about them. I will pray for Bishop Gene.

Bishop Gene is different because he is a Bishop -- we don't have many of those. He is also gay. I don't really know how many gay Bishops there are -- probably a lot more than we think. Bishop Gene has chosen to be honest and forthright about his life. I will pray for Bishop Gene.

The pain of living amongst the reactions of others to being different is always present. I know that my son, Jeffri, does not generally talk about it, but once in while something slips into our conversation together and I know that he experiences a LOT of discomfort from being who he is -- a gay man. There is hurt and anger, sometimes fear, self doubt. Life isn't easy. I pray for Jeffri and I will pray for Bishop Gene.

All of the Bishops need my prayer. And I will certainly pray for them as they come together at Lambeth -- without Bishop Gene, of course. I am personally angry that he was not invited. They all need to be given a time out. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who cares? Just grow up and learn that walking in the other person's shoes gives everything a whole different sense of being. I will pray for the work at Lambeth. I will pray for bishop Gene.

MISSION CONGREGATION

The Mission Congregation of Grace Episcopal Church. 'What's that?' people ask. There have been Sunday announcements. There have been articles in the last three monthly newsletters. When I try to encourage people to try it out, they say to me 'what is it?' and in return I ask if they have read about it in the newsletter. 'Oh I don't read the newsletter."

WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!

SO... here it is again -- in MY own words this time.

A group of 'seeking' people come together about once a month on a Saturday morning to support and encourage one another in our questions and our search for more. More than Sunday worship. More than Bible study. More than just talk. MORE!! And it has become more because we share in the search. We share our stories. We listen. We pray together. We learn.

It is interesting that this group first came together in an effort to determine what was holding up progress in the parish. We called ourselves the Visioning Committee and our purpose was to talk about why were we not drawing in new people; where the families with children were . Why were people so complacent? Why was there no interest in educational offerings? And on and on and on some more. We realized after meeting two or three times that we were going over and over the same old stuff. Questions we have been asking ourselves for the past fifteen, twenty, thirty years. Dreams we have all shared for the past fifteen, twenty, thirty years. And still no answers. And still no progress.

Toward the end of our last 'fixit' session we began to express our own personal needs and hungers for more. As the wheels were spinning some of our sorrows and hurts spilled onto the table. We were hungering and thirsting for something we did not have. The 'same ol' just wasn't cutting it any longer. We wanted more. More intimate worship, more meaningful Bible Study, more opportunity to ask questions and hear the questions and longing of others. We were not UNhappy with the same ol' Sunday Worship, but we felt that there could be more.

And so we began to meet to try to fulfill some of our needs. We schedule three hours and are reluctant to depart when the time is up. We are learning to share our deepest doubts, and share how, we personally, have been trying to find answers. We involve ourselves in scripture and seek how it is meaningful to our current lives. Our prayers are open and from our hearts -- shared, heard, and held sincerely one for the other.

We all continue Sunday worship with the parish. It is part of who we are. We still long for more people to join us with our Mission Congregation. When there is more, it needs to be shared.

TRANSITION/TRANSFORMATION

I have avoided talking about "my" church on this blog because it is listed on the "Resource" page of our web site and I was uncomfortable really speaking my mind for all those parishioners to read. BUT, as you notice, I have not posted in over a month. My prayer and ponder time is pretty much focused on the health and well being of my parish and the ability to express that was being stifled by this feeling of exposure. And so I am not going to hold back any longer. I am going to put it out here for any and all to read. Read and respond -- with respect, dignity and integrity for all who choose to share

We have made the transition of healing from our past life into this new life with our new priest. She is titled "Priest-in-Charge" because we are not financially stable enough to call a rector. We are drawing down our endowment at an alarming rate -- all things being equal we will be out of endowment by mid 2011 and will have to close our doors. (I think I got that right. Anyone reading may make a correction of this statement.) That does not give us very much time for transformation.

Many in our parish are still into the thinking that whatever we do going forward is to save Grace Church. OR, even worse, fix Grace Church. It isn't about paying the oil bill and the electric bill and putting on a new roof. It isn't about pulling in more people to help share the financial load. It's about US. Too many of us are not willing to look to ourselves, individually and collectively, and see that WE, we persons, we Christians, are the ones that need saving. So many of us have decided that we're done. DONE? How can that be? How can we sit in the pews Sunday after Sunday with the smug, snug feeling that we have done whatever we needed to have done. WRONG!!!

There is more. There is always more. More to learn: a deeper experience of God; a closer relationship with neighbor -- pewmate, lifemate, workmate, streetmate; a sense of responsibility to our own small community, and even more to the community outside our doors. AND there is more than Sunday worship. Of the 168 hours of our week we spend 1.25 at worship. Of the 166.75 remaining hours, how many do each of us give to ministry? I'm talking about 'in-house' ministry and the ministry we do in our week-day lives. Do the math, make a pie chart. Be accountable to yourself.

This is only a beginning. I'm just getting started.

SUBLIMINAL CHANGES

Changes sneak into our routine without us really noticing. Because Bill is no longer driving a school bus, we no longer have to get moving so early in the day. Nature has taken over the awakening role in my life. It begins about four fifteen in the morning. A single chirp. An answering chirp. A reply. It isn't long before other cheeps and chirps join in. By four thirty to four forty five there is a great symphony of bird sounds. Then even more join until there is a great crescendo of sound which continues until well past five and then slowly settles to a more quiet and infrequent exchange.

I lie abed and wonder what they can be saying to one another. It is such a joyous commotion. I wish that I might have such a choir of acquaintances. Then again -- not. I am too private a person. But I do love to eavesdrop on these early morning beings. I snuggle into my pillow and listen. I listen also for the resident coo coo to announce the time. I no longer have to get up before six. I can if I want to. Don't have to. Such a luxury.

Many days I choose to get up with the birds and have my morning coffee in the quiet of the morning. Read the paper. Do the daily sudoku puzzle. It is a different routine from six months ago. I like it. The change is good.

For another insight on morning sounds and memories check out Barbara Crafton's e-mo over at Geranium Farm.

MAY 31, 2008

I am crawling out of May like the groundhog from her hole on February 2. There is light and there is shadow. Shall I crawl back in for another six weeks or shall I stay and make the best of it? Have I had enough 'down' time or need I take more? It would feel really, really good to crawl back into the comfort of that hole, but I am not seeing a benefit.

Somehow, I feel the need to stay. Make some changes, but stay all the same. The following came to me this morning during reflection time:

it is the last of the days of May
my world is lush with green
and the flowering of spring.
May is the month of hope and promise
and I have used this time to retreat
into the innermost part of my being.
there have been days and days of seeming waste
and yet that time was rest and renewal.

it is in the quiet times that I feel God's Presence.
my quiet, not the quiet of the world,
and I am slow to awaken to the obvious.
God demands this quiet time.
time to be.....

PAY ATTENTION, BARB!!!

When I got on the scales this morning I weighed one hundred and twenty eight pounds. One twenty is a good weight for me. One twenty five is a wee bit over the top. One twenty eight is beyond reason. I haven't been paying attention. I have been wallowing in circumstances that make me believe that God is present with me. Shocking. Humbling. More than a little scary.

Well, duh, God is ALWAYS present with each of us ALL the time. But I have been feeling a physical indication that God is with me -- now. I just don't know what to make of that. I am numb with unbelief and yet I believe. I don't want to put it into words because it might go away -- and how egotistic is that? OR it might be more. And so I ponder. I contemplate. I pace. I try to understand. And most of all I pray.

Perhaps this Presence of God that I am experiencing is an admonition to prayer. Worked, that's for sure. I find myself in prayer more and more times during the day. Sometimes conversation with God. Sometimes mental pictures. Many times just sensation. More often than not just 'being.'

But being with God cannot exclude being in the world -- at least not for now. And so I must learn to manage both/all. Gaining weight is both unhealthy and economically unwise as I have a simple wardrobe that fits one twenty to one twenty five. What was that lesson of being "in" the world and being "of" the world. Don't remember. But I do know for now that I need to acknowledge this Presence of God in the world in which I exist and must function on a daily basis.

Close my lips. Accept less food. Be prudent. But above all, give thanks for the presence of God.

HOLDING PATTERN

I am in a spiritual holding pattern, drifting somewhat easily, trying to discern what it is that God is trying to tell me -- or not. There are a lot of key words in that sentence. Maybe they are all key. The good news is that it is mostly a comfortable place to be. But I don't want to get too comfortable.

And there is a niggling to be more actively exploring. Exploring what? Good question. I asked for and was given a few books to peruse and have chose one -- Joyce Rupp's "Dear Heart, Come Home - A Path of Midlife Spirituality." The 'midlife' part held me back at the beginning. I mean, here I am at seventy, well beyond midlife. BUT, if you subtract the thirty years that I opted out of anything religious, theological, or spiritual I am about right, I guess. And then, of course, I have those thirty years of observing life that must account for something.

At the beginning of the preface of this book there is a poem by Joyce Rupp. I read it several times before I chose the book. I have read it a kazillion times since; copied it out and keep it here on my desk. It is a jumping off place. Not a starting place because as I said in a previous post, the beginning was probably ever so long ago. It is a continued search.

At the end of each chapter there are what Rupp refers to as 'simmering times.' Suggestions on how one might contemplate the material in that chapter. Some are ideas to journal, or paint or sketch, some are just for thinking or discussing with a friend or a chosen group. The one that popped out at me is "Search within to see if you have any fears of going inward." OUCH! You mean look at myself -- the deep down self?

My very first thought was, Well, yeah, I have fears. What if I look inward and don't like what I see? Now THAT is scary. OR, worse yet, what if I look inward and nothing is there. Well, I am hoping these are my worst thoughts. I am going to continue to contemplate this search within and how I feel about it.