I'M SORRY

So you say.

Do you really mean that?

Two words so easily spoken. So frequently spoken. So frequently meaningless. I hate that. The person who says them expects to be absolved of whatever infraction they have committed. I don't think so. Back up. Not so simple. Just what are you sorry for? Let's name it.

I want to hear just exactly what you are sorry for. I want to hear "I'm sorry I embarrassed you last night at the party by saying ......" I want to hear " I really am sorry I forgot to mail the checks that you gave me." I want to hear "I'm sorry I was rude to your mother, I'll try not to do it again." I want to hear it. I want to know that you know.

AND "It's okay," does NOT have to be the reply. Most of the time it ISN'T okay. It was WRONG. It was INEXCUSABLE. Given the explicit apology an acceptable reply might be, "Thank you." Then again the reply might be "Can we talk about it?"

Sometimes "Try again," might be appropriate. An apology might be a small part of a greater problem. The apology, however, is a necessary part of the reconciliation. Sometimes it is the real beginning of the healing. Be open to an apology. And always acknowledge what was the wrong. Be sincere in the apology. And always be explicit. NAME the wrong.

BEEN THERE / DONE THAT

Yes, been there, done that and I'm not doin' it again any time soon. In fact several years ago I even gave up sending Christmas cards. It wasn't the expense; it was the push to do it. I began to be more thoughtful about the gifts that I give. AND I slowly worked into the "Adventness" of the season. Now I am getting better at pushing aside the commercialism and really enjoying the thoughtful gifts that I can give. It isn't perfect yet. It is still a process of getting back into the REAL Christmas -- whatever that is. The point is that I don't dread the season any more. I am learning to enjoy it and getting into the waiting. I haven't achieved the quietness yet ..... I'm working on it.

SNAFUUUUU

Sometimes things don't play out the way they are planned. The authors/planners just don't think things through. That is what happened with today's Advent offering. I had just finished reading the second chapter of Luke -- the gift from yesterday -- and today's thought is from Luke 3. Now really, what is with that anyway? I was annoyed. VERY annoyed.

Putting that aside, the question is how I will get ready for Jesus. Well folks, I think I am about as ready as I'm going to get. I am pretty transparent. The Collect for Purity has been my watchword for a very long time. "Unto you all hearts are open, all desires known, and from you no secrets are hid." How much more open to God can I be? I think that being genuine to self and to the public is ready.

BEGINNING THE GOSPEL OF LUKE

Okay, I cheated. Last night I took a peek at today's Advent Calendar offering and thus brought my bible downstairs with me this morning. So BEFORE I even looked at my daily puzzles, I read the first Chapter of Luke. I don't know whether I have ever read it all the way through from beginning to end. Ten years ago in Education for Ministry (EfM) we did study all four Gospels during the second year. Still, I don't think we read it through from beginning to end.

And so, yes, I am giving myself that gift. It will be a good addition to my Advent. Even the very first chapter is rich with stuff I know I have read but haven't kept the pieces together for reflection. Yes, this is good.

PRAYING HIV/AIDS

There is something to be said for daily suggestions about thought and prayer. Today I was able to pray at random times and thoughtfully about the HIV/AIDS situation. Initially, I get angry with God for allowing such travesty. I don't stay angry long. I hurt. I hurt for the wrongs in the world. They aren't God's wrongs. There are just bad things. And so I pray for those suffering. I pray for the ones who care for them. I pray for the ones who have died and who are going to die. On and off. All through the day. It has been a day filled with prayer.

A day of Thankfulness also. I am thankful for the advances in medicine that are beginning to get a handle on this virus. I am thankful for the research. I am thankful for the medications that are now available. I am thankful for the grace that we have been given to love and be loved regardless of our afflictions.

FOLLOWING JESUS

This "Follow me" thought was part of my morning breakfast reading. I hope to be following this Advent Calender through all of Advent. I am hoping that the coming days give me not quite so difficult propositions. This is HARD. Really hard!

How will I answer the call? I am not liking it that I am questioning that I am not already doing it. And that gives me reason to question whether I am doing it good enough. And just what is good enough, anyway? So I am going to give myself credit for thinking I am answering the call -- present tense. That at least the journey is in progress. That I am aware of what I do and how and even why.

ADVENT 1 2009

Don't know how it got to be Advent already. Seems like it was just Easter. My father-in-law said, too many times more than once, 'It's tough to get old.' Well, at seventy two I don't feel like I'm old yet. Time sure is doing funny things though. I am becoming a believer in the time warp. You know, the theory that time isn't' really linear, that it evolves in and through and back and beyond and forward and back again -- and all at the same time. That's why it seems as though it were just Easter and, walla, here it is Advent.

Our priest, revLois, gifted us an Advent Calender. Each day is a little cartoonish type drawing with a variety of inspirational thoughts and ideas. It is perfect for the kid in me to want to color. So I am thinking gel pens and highlighters, maybe some color pencils. Fun stuff. And THEN I had the idea of posting it up on the "Purple Crayon" project board at church and .... and .... and... what? That took a bit of thinking. I finally decided to cut the days separate from the frame of the calendar and just post the frame, adding in the days as I got into church to paste them up. AND then, I thought maybe other people would do their own days and paste them up. Maybe not, but wouldn't that be fun?

This is how it looks on this first day of Advent. The text is a prayer, "Almighty God, give us grace to cast away the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light ..." I really liked the thought of putting on an armor of light. Rather like a protection against all the things that trouble me. All the nonsense of the world. All the frivolous stuff that drives me crazy. Also the darkness of allowing time time to dither me and throw me into a panic. An armor of light to carry me more wholly into the world. Hmmmm, maybe I can even make that more 'holy.' I like that thought even more.

And so I begin this Advent with a 'lightened' spirit.

Follow the journey with me if you wish......