I think I am mostly just worn down with trying to be something I'm not and not knowing how to be the something that I am. Wanting to by wise and understanding and supporting. And not. It works for a while and then it all falls apart. And then on top of that not being understood for the falling apart and the hurt that happens. Just gut wrenching hurt because I cannot be the person I think I need to be.
Key here is the 'what I think I need to be.' I am guessing that I set myself up for more than I can handle and then when I fail it feels disastrous. What I would like to do going forward is just to be more honest with myself about what I can do and what I cannot do. It isn't a matter of wanting to change anything -- exactly. It is just learning to deal with the realities and accepting them.
Oh dear God, be here with me in my hurt. Help me to learn to grow in your love and acceptance. Learn daily. Learn hourly. Learn with the passage of time that my sight is toward loving my neighbor. I am not going to even say ...as myself, because I am not loving myself very well this evening. But tomorrow is another day and God will see me through the night with love and kindness and healing for the morrow.
