THEME

Most all of the blogs that I read have a theme. Or a continuous thread of sorts. I became very bogged down in the contemplation of just where I wanted to go with this blog. In fact, I have been so bogged that I became completely unproductive. Absent. No posts. UGH!

And still I have made no determination about theme or thread. I have a ton of interests. Mostly passing interests. Some hang around longer than others but I seem to be a phase/fad person. AND, this is okay, I suppose, if I can accept this about myself. I am consistent in inconsistency.

The constants in my life are my relationship, my dog, my church, my job. And not necessarily in that order. At all. Sometimes one is more demanding or high priority than another. My frustration arises when any one is in conflict. Maybe that is what is happening now. Too much upheaval in all of these is making me crazy.

Relationship just lost job, dog just had eye implant surgery, church is floundering, job is testy. Any one of these happening is enough to put me off but all of them together is taking a toll. I have become short tempered, forgetful, irrational, sensitive, to name a very few of my current tendencies.

Maybe a review of what is going on will help to establish possible ways forward. I'll talk about the dog first: Gabriel is a six and a half year old, eight and a half pound Shih Tzu. He lost the sight in one eye due to a "trauma" or horrendous glaucoma pressure. Now either one of these things might have been an obvious occurrence as I look back over time. But I would have thought that I might have been aware of that change. OR taken more seriously symptoms when I did check in with the vet. There is niggling guilt. Hindsight is guilt ridden. BUT, the good news is that he is home from the Eye Clinic today and doing just fine. He is on such a mixed schedule of meds that I had to draw up a chart in order to administer them at the proper times. Gabriel is among the good things in my life.

The loss of a job is trauma. Emotional trauma. Spouse has been happily driving a school bus for five years -- enjoys the kids, enjoys the driving, enjoys the hours, enjoys the money. Make that enjoyED. The three accident rule holds whether the accident(s) your fault or not. So, no job. This is a personal loss for him. A judgement on his character. And he has even told me that grieving is necessary. But he wondered if he knew how to do that. I hope he does. For his own sake. And he has many talents and many opportunities so it will work out. In the meantime, however, our, make that MY, routine is completely destroyed. And I do not deal with change very well. Hence the change in my behavior.

The Episcopal Church (TEC) is undergoing major problems right now. And my particular little parish is not fairing very well either -- not for the same reasons -- but both are troublesome. I can put the TEC stuff in perspective and hope that reason will prevail. The parish, however, is in serious trouble. It was financial, still is for that matter. But more, it is a "people" problem. Lack of participation, lack of interest, lack of caring, lack of being involved, lack of serving -- L A C K!! I struggle with trying not to do too much. I struggle with people being so consuming of what is offered and not doing any offering. I struggle with the people who refuse to accept change. I struggle with people who think the church is ALWAYS going to be there for them. I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them that they had better wake up or there isn't going to be a church there for them at all in another year or so if they continue in this same mode. So, I do what I can. And worry. And pray.

At work we are being bombarded with personality conflicts. When systems are in place, and working for the good of all, someone comes along and decides that "their" way is better. In fact it could very well BE better, but if it throws the system off kilter, is isn't better in the long run. And, of course, there is the one who can't accept change; and the one who cannot accept direction. Life is too short for all of these prima donna histrionics. I want to just go in (I work part time) do my job and go home. I don't need the undercurrent of who has been slighted, who has been hurt, 'who has been ignored, who thinks they know better, who bla bla bla. Life is just too short for all this idiocy. I like the job. It is close to home. It is enjoyable work. I like the hours. I like the pay. And I like most of the people -- individually. So I go in, do my job, try to ignore the garbage and leave it on the threshold when go home.

So this explains my long absence from this blog. It does not, however, establish a theme. Unless, of course, it is the day to day of these pieces of my life. And maybe that is okay.

On a brighter note, we stopped in at an art store this week. I was looking for the right weight paper upon which to print my church business cards. While there I passed a color pencil sale. Soft color pencils. I have many color pencils but not this 'soft' variety. I bought six. Lavender hues. I am playing with how they go onto paper in density as I get involved is curving shapes. Maybe pictures down the road.