HOLDING PATTERN

I am in a spiritual holding pattern, drifting somewhat easily, trying to discern what it is that God is trying to tell me -- or not. There are a lot of key words in that sentence. Maybe they are all key. The good news is that it is mostly a comfortable place to be. But I don't want to get too comfortable.

And there is a niggling to be more actively exploring. Exploring what? Good question. I asked for and was given a few books to peruse and have chose one -- Joyce Rupp's "Dear Heart, Come Home - A Path of Midlife Spirituality." The 'midlife' part held me back at the beginning. I mean, here I am at seventy, well beyond midlife. BUT, if you subtract the thirty years that I opted out of anything religious, theological, or spiritual I am about right, I guess. And then, of course, I have those thirty years of observing life that must account for something.

At the beginning of the preface of this book there is a poem by Joyce Rupp. I read it several times before I chose the book. I have read it a kazillion times since; copied it out and keep it here on my desk. It is a jumping off place. Not a starting place because as I said in a previous post, the beginning was probably ever so long ago. It is a continued search.

At the end of each chapter there are what Rupp refers to as 'simmering times.' Suggestions on how one might contemplate the material in that chapter. Some are ideas to journal, or paint or sketch, some are just for thinking or discussing with a friend or a chosen group. The one that popped out at me is "Search within to see if you have any fears of going inward." OUCH! You mean look at myself -- the deep down self?

My very first thought was, Well, yeah, I have fears. What if I look inward and don't like what I see? Now THAT is scary. OR, worse yet, what if I look inward and nothing is there. Well, I am hoping these are my worst thoughts. I am going to continue to contemplate this search within and how I feel about it.