SOME DAYS ....

 

Yup, some days  just don't turn out the way one has anticipated.

  

 

LONESOME

 

Family gone.  House is empty.  Quiet.  Really enjoyed the young voices and their activity, even their banter.  Jopa left behind the remainder of his peanuts from Five Guys.  I finished them.  Now all I have are the empty shells which are pretty much like the empty house -- stuff to tidy up and put away to get it back into the semi order that we like to live in.  The shells will go on the compost pile to settle into plant food.  The pillows and blankets and air mattresses will once again be stashed into the closet to await the next visit.  Sheets and towels into the laundry.  In a day or two it will be like no one was here.  But not quite.  I have all the good memories of us being together.
 

THE FUN CONTINUES

 

Jopa and Gabriel are getting reacquainted.  We are all reacquainting and having great fun.  Off to the Beardsley Zoo and the Barnum Museum today.  Hoping for some fun pictures.  Family dinner tonight.  Grandma is a happy camper.
 

OH NOOooooo.......

 

Duh!  Something went awry.  I had a "Friday" blog scheduled to go live at nine this morning.  Didn't happen.  Oh, Well!
 

JOY TO THE WORLD

 

Michael Martchenko illustration from The Paper Bag Princess

Jopa is coming!!!!  I am a VERY happy grandma.  Jopa is short for Joseph Patrick, almost eleven, and the youngest of my grandchildren.  Jimmy, number three, will continue on with his dad to Boston for a college visit then back again for a short bit before all return to their home in Pennsylvania. 

Uncle Jeff is going to do Family Tree stuff and we'll do some candle making and Saturday a photo opp at Beardsley Zoo.  Then the fun of downloading and 'playing' with photos.  Family Dinner.  Ooooh, I'm a happy person
 

 

Awwww, how cute.  And clean.  And smelling fresh and powdery.  And wondering why he is suddenly getting so much attention.  This got me to thinking about how much I tend to make assumptions about appearances.  And it really isn't fair.  He's the same as yesterday, just better groomed -- and definitely better smelling.  Still in all, just the same. 
 

OFF TO THE GROOMER

 

This is obviously the "before" picture.  Gabriel really is needing a bath and a trim.  Although it has turned quite cold I just can't put it off any longer.  AND family is coming in and I don't want to have a smelly, grungy dog around -- because he will choose one of them to be his best buddy.

Having him out of the house and getting cleaned up necessitates all kinds of laundry so that when he comes home we get a fresh start.  I hadn't realized how bad it was until a few nights ago as I was watching TV with my cozy, fluffy blanket, I got a good whiff of DOG.  Ooops, time to go to the groomer.
 

ONE MORE TIME?...

 

This morning I wakened to a fresh layer of purifying snow.  And the snow is still coming down.  So soft and white.  My world is clean again.  The air is crisp and moist and invigorating and it isn't terribly cold. 

I went out picture taking first thing.  Garden Cupid is once again covered by new snow.  I went went out again when I heard a Cardinal close by.  I couldn't find it but there were several of them communicating from the tree tops.  The world was so quiet they were easy to hear -- not so easy to see.

It feels like God felt my angst and sent me comfort -- a soft, clean, fresh start.  A period of quiet during which I can relax and let go of assumed troubles.  A renewal.  A purification.  Peace.  Thank you, God.
 

CONFLICTED

 

I am feeling very much like this.  Right side up and upside down and not knowing which is the right way around.  Or if there even is a 'right' way around.  Sometimes it is hard to figure it out.

I think I am mostly just worn down with trying to be something I'm not and not knowing how to be the something that I am.  Wanting to by wise and understanding and supporting.  And not.  It works for a while and then it all falls apart.  And then on top of that not being understood for the falling apart and the hurt that happens.  Just gut wrenching hurt because I cannot be the person I think I need to be.

Key here is the 'what I think I need to be.'  I am guessing that I set myself up for more than I can handle and then when I fail it feels disastrous.  What I would like to do going forward is just to be more honest with myself about what I can do and what I cannot do.  It isn't a matter of wanting to change anything -- exactly.  It is just learning to deal with the realities and accepting them.

Oh dear God,  be here with me in my hurt.  Help me to learn to grow in your love and acceptance.  Learn daily.  Learn hourly.  Learn with the passage of time that my sight is toward loving my neighbor.  I am not going to even say ...as myself, because I am not loving myself very well this evening.  But tomorrow is another day and God will see me through the night with love and kindness and healing for the morrow.
 

 

Michael Martchenko illustration from The Paper Bag Princess

This is how life is feeling for me today.  Tomorrow will be better. 

IT'S FRIDAY

 

I love Fridays.  It means I get to work for the whole day.  Get to be a real people in the working world.  For one day.  Friday.  For one day I can deal with the crazies and the needy and the whiny and the demanding and ugly and the snobs and the appreciative and thankful -- the public.  Being a service provider is really tough, draining, demanding,frustrating, tiresome,  rewarding.  The 'public' comes in all shapes, sizes, needs, attitudes. The public is us.  How do we engage service providers on the other side of the counter/window/desk? 
  

WINTER MOON

 

Almost full moon last night.  The air was crisp and clear.  Driving wasn't even too bad.  We had been up to Oakdale to see David Garrett.  Bill was thrilled -- it was loud, he could hear, the music was good for him.  I am still not used the the extreme amplification.  Some of the music was music for me.  A lot of it was just loud rhythm.  I was glad that it was a good experience for Bill.  I think he misses out on a lot because of his hearing deficiency.

The worst part of the evening was getting lost.  In the dark.  On the off roads of Connecticut.  We were an hour and a half getting to where we wanted to be, after we were already in the right vicinity, and that was after twice asking directions.  The first of which were wrong sending us south on I91 instead of north.  We found ourselves suddenly in New Haven which is a  l o n g a  way from Wallingford.  We found a policeman who when I told him we were lost and needed directions to Wallingford was flabbergasted that we were so far off track.

We finally did get to Oakford -- and just on time, at that.  What an amazing venue.  Every seat is a good seat.  And set up so that there is no need for video screens to see what you came to see -- like Harbor Yard in Bridgeport.  I'll never go there again.  Too big.  Too many people.  Too, too.

I experienced an appreciation for the lighting effects of which I had not before been aware.  Not affect for effect but a genuinely integral part of the music presentation.  Really enhanced the program.  My nephew is in this line of work and I now have an admiration for the work that he does.  Go Bremmie!

The natural lighting effects of the moon are still a bigger thrill for me.  Always unique.  I discovered last evening a setting on my camera that says 'Nightscape."  Whoa!  What a find.  This is one of the first photos.  This year of blogging with mostly new photos each day is a real learning experience for me.  I am learning about my camera.  I am learning to use the Windows Photo Gallery program.  Now I have to concentrate some more on composition. 

Tomorrow night a "full" moon.  Great fun ...
 

WINTER GRUNGE

   

The melting snow is leaving behind the soot and salt and sand and grunge that is part of winter.  That's outside.  Inside Gabriel seems to be a magnet for all kinds of winter grunge both from the outside and the inside.  I am reluctant to bathe him as the house is quite cool.  It is time for the groomer. 

Last evening I watched the last of the Westminster Dog Show.  What beautifully goomed dogs.  And last minute grooming touches were being applied even in the ring before their judgement walk.  These dogs love this grooming process.  It is part of their lives.  A BIG part.  For Gabriel, not so much.  I actually started out with him as a pup with the comb and brush and kithen sink baths and the hair dryer and the clippers.  He just never did take to it.  As time went on it became more and more of a struggle until I finally caved and found a groomer for him. 

I don't know if he likes the grooming process that he gets every six to eight weeks.  I don't care.  It is going to happen anyway.  I can't do it, so let a professional do it. 
 

BARGAINS

 

I love a bargain.  And 30% off is just too much to not use.  Not that I need anything.  Mostly don't even want anything.  But, coupon in hand, I peruse the the store.  The whole store.  Generally, I end up purchasing baby clothes for the new babies at Malta House.  Or maybe some white socks for the homeless shelter.  Just can't let that 30% off go to waste.

During the Christmas buying season there were numerous 33% off coupons at Borders.  I used those to purchase Spanish children's books.  OR I bought Christmas presents for the family.  Never could let one of those suckers go to waste either.

Now that the Holidays are past there are fewer and fewer coupons and bargains are hard to come by.  Then I got to thinking this morning that the most splendiferous bargain that I have is God's love.  And that's FREE.   
 

SUNSHINE

 

We have sunshine.  We have shadows.  We can see sprigs of green out there.  And if you squint a little you can see the garden cupid out there by the tree emerging from the snow.

The warmth on the back is like a kiss from God.  Yes, there is a tomorrow, and, yes, there will be spring.  Oh, we will have more cold, to be sure.  And rain.  And a lot of wind.  We have to have the wind to dry up the rain.  And then we will have sprouts and leaves and eventually even flowers. 

Really, it is so good to feel God's love and hope in my life.
 

IT'S STILL WINTER

 

It is still winter.  There are still mounds of snow.  The snow is dirty.  Parking is miserable.  It is still cold.  And I am CRANKY.

LEFT OVERS

 

Last night's pizza.  Even better for lunch.

 

IT'S FRIDAY

 

So yesterday I got right up, had my coffee and a yogurt, dressed and was off for my dentist appointment.  I arrived there at eight thirty for an eight forty-five appointment (I'm always early.  I get that from my dad).  After unbundling -  earband, hat, mittens, coat and settling into my book, the receptionist poked her head around the corner, "Barb," she said, "What are you doing here?" 

"I have an appointmet.  It's the tenth, isn't it?" 

She consulted her computer, looked up, and said, "MARCH tenth, honey."

I bundled back up and went home, had another cup of coffee, finished the daily puzzles, wrote my blog for the day, and, of course, adjusted my calender for March.  Don't know how I got that wrong.  Must have just not been paying attention when I wrote it in my Day Runner.

I am usually pretty good about keeping my calendar in order.  I try to keep Birthdays too.  But just because I write the Birthday in doesn't mean that I am going to remember to do something about it.  I am really bad about Birthday greetings.  AND I have been known to miss lunch dates completely.  Just blow them off.  Be in the car on the way to anywhere, look at my watch and realize I shoud have had lunch with 'x' an hour earlier.  Those gaffs are really hard to face.  I haven't done that in quite a while because the last one was such an embarrassment.

Life is full of mistakes.  Seems like I make more than my share.  And I chew over them horribly for days, tieing myself up in knots, condemning my poor behavior, and generally being in a huge funk.  Then I remember about grace and forgiveness.  God forgives everything.  I remind myself that having made the amends that I could, I just need to forgive myself and move forward.

Forgiveness is freeing.
 

A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE

 

This is my second attempt to bake bread in the crock pot.  At the same time I was trying to get away from the white bread thing, thinking that Bill might be allergic to wheat.  The first attempt was a gluten free bread mix.  My mistake on that attempt was that the setting on the crock pot was on Warm instead of High.  Well, the yeast really worked -- gooey, sticky up and over the sides of the pan.  When I realized my error, I scooped it all up and plunked it back into the pan and turned the setting to High.  The loaf baked, tasted good but was a galumpy, funny looking loaf.  Forgot to take pics.

This time around I did the scratch thing with spelt four.  Yes, I know, spelt has gluten but some people can tolerate it.  This was my first experience with spelt flour.  My first mistake here was that I was proofing the starter and forgot to add in the yeast.  Once the yeast was in, it bubbled up and I was able to make a decent looking loaf.

 Here is is going into the crock pot -- on High this time.




 
 

 
 
 
An hour later and it is rising well.

Two hours later and it hasn't risen any more at all and the top is beginning to crack.  I'm thinking that this has to be the spelt flour and not the crock pot.  But I am open to whatever happens.

Three and a half hours and it seems done.  Not a spectacular looking loaf even on the inside.  Pretty dense.  I haven't tasted it yet so don't know how that will be.  It will probably make great croutons or snack toasts.


I am out to lunch on spelt. I am delighted that I can bake one loaf efficiently in the crock pot.  I wouldn't have known about this except for reading about it in "Make It Fast, Cook It Slow" by Stephanie O'Dea.  I am anxious to get another of the gluten-free mixes and see how that does.  Maybe next week.   

BRRRR.... COLD -- AGAIN!

 

I'm feeling pretty much 'holed' in on this cold day.  Not much ambition . Things not going as well as they might.  Hanging in for the rest of the day and trying to make the most of being cold, being surrounded by cold, dirty snow; and trying to make do without sunshine.  I am glomming on to the 'all will be well'  from Julian of Norwich.  It is a good prayer to remember and has seen me through many a bad spell.  THIS is not a bad spell.  It is just a little low point, and life does deal us those once in a while.

"All shall be well,

and all shall be well,

and all manner of things shall be well"

 

IN PRAISE OF BUTTER

 

There is something to be said for butter:  TASTE.  It is just plain good.  Wonderful, in fact.

When I awakened this morning there were memories of oleo floating through my brain.  Remember oleo?  That was the forerunner of margarine.  It came in a one pound block  -- white.  Lardy.  Tasteless.  Included with this was a little packet of "color."  The oleo was put into a bowl and allowed to soften to room temperature, then mushed around with a spoon until it was malleable.  Then the "color" packet was v e r y carefully opened.  If it spilled anyplace but on top of the oleo it was a horrendous mess and almost impossible to clean up.

One worked the color into the oleo.  Slowly.  It had to be smushed and shoved, pressed and pushed, worked and reworked for a very long time.  The color had to be completely incorporated leaving no streaks.  Just one smooth, continuous color.  After all, it was supposed to look like butter.  I don't remember how it was packaged and put away for use.  In fact, I don't remember even using it on toast or anything else.

After the block of oleo with the color packet came a revolutionary new coloring method.  A soft pliable envelope type -- oblong -- could have been plastic (?).  The container, whatever it was, was left out to get to room temperature, then squished and squeezed until pliable and THEN on one side was a little capsule, that when pinched, released color into the oleo.  More squishing and squeezing to get the color uniform.  Again, I don't remember how this package was opened or stored or how its contents were used.  I think at this time we referred to this as 'margarine' or maybe even oleo margarine.

The margarines that saturate the market are too numerous to now consider.  Some are touted to be more healthy than others.  Many claim to taste just like butter.  Others have additions of "good" oils and vitamins.  They don't taste like butter. 

Butter is best!

 

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

  
Our Billy at five weeks is working on charachter building.  His in particular. 

And it is very hard work as you can see.  First one has to make a little fuss and wake up and get the attention of everyone around.  And it wasn't hard at all because we were all just waiting for his eyes to open so we could see him in action.

Then one has to concentrate on just what kind of an individual one would like to be.  Hmmmm.  a character character.  Someone with clout.  Someone with opinions.  Yep, opinions.

Well, that was hard work.  Time out for some rest.  He really is sweet when relaxed.  Peaceful little guy.  Can't wait until our next visit to see how much he has changed.

OUT OF THE SNOW

 

We are emerging from the snow. This must be what it is like for the animals that hibernate. We are coming into a new, warm world after being buried beneath the snows of winter. Everything slowed down. Activity seemed very limited. We were not able to move about at our accustomed pace nor get to the places and activities of our liking. It was life slowed down to a minimum of living.

There may be more snow, but it won’t be like these have been. We have melting now. We have sunshine. We have the promise of a new world and a new day. Renewed life. Thanks Be To God!

BLEAK MID WINTER

 

It is gray.  VERY gray.  The icicles are not even dripping.  Activity is at some kind of standstill.  There is a mist in the air.  Not rain.  Not sleet.  Not snow.  Just a fine, fine mist that is settling onto our world as a very slippery glaze.  The temperature hovers between 28 and 31.  It is a dreary world for me.  Depressing!

I am taking down Christmas and that is depressing also.  Dusting off all the little creche figures and wrapping them in tissue.  A hope and a prayer for the coming Christmas when they all come out again.  Hmmmm...  Why don't we leave the creches up all year?  Why is it such a "Christmas" thing?  I'll have to think on that. 
 

We do have this reminder on the cradenza.  Mary and Joseph, a gift Jeff brought back from one of his travels.  The angel a gift from Jacquie.  So when Christmas is all put away I will still have daily reminders of the people who know and love me in ways that are important in my life.  I guess I really don't need to be depressed after all.  The grayness of the day is outside.  Warmth and love are in my heart.
 

IT'S FRIDAY

 

This has been such an out of the ordinary week that it hardly seems possible to have Friday here already.  First off, Monday,  I was tied up the whole day trying to get the church newsletter done and then, because we had so much snow, Tuesday afternoon work was cancelled and I continued on with the newsletter until the end of the day.  And then all of a sudden it was Wednesday and school was cancelled again as was our evening church event.  So I was still home and trying to catch up on the first of the month bill paying and whatever else I let go while doing the newsletter. 

 Thursday came and went in a flash.  Because I hadn't been into the office since the Friday before, I was doing my best to catch up on who was in the hospital, who was out, who was coming in for appointments, filing, and on and on for the day until suddenly it was time to go home.  AND oddly enough at five it was quite light and bright outside.  That felt really good.

And so Friday got to be on top up me and it doesn't even feel like I have worked up to it yet.  Oh well, I'll get through it all and then have the glorious weekend.

 

WINTER BLAHS ...

 

I'm lovin' the snow but I just needed to stop and have a spring fix.

A little color, ya know?

 

TREACHEROUS BEAUTY

 

There is everywhere ice.  When I took Gabriel out this morning it was soft ice.  Soft and textured.  I was careful.  I did not fall.  The temperature is iffy.  Some places locally are a little colder than others.  The telephoned Police Alert advises us to stay off the streets and DO NOT TOUCH fallen branches as power lines have been pulled down.

It is so very beautiful.  Hard to understand how such beauty can be such a danger.  It seems like some kind of trick.  Sometimes I feel as though life is like that also -- some kind of trick.  I go along and everything seems peaceful and good and then -- wham -- I get blindsided.  Sometimes that is because I am just unaware and not paying attention to the whole of life.  Zeroed in on my own self too much maybe.  Have to pay more attention to what is going on in the lives of the people around me.  Open myself up to the needs and feelings of others.
 

NOT WHITE

 

'That is not white,' said I after the fresh paint had been applied under the sink.
'It's white,' says he.
'Not white,' I reply.
'The paint can says white - something or other,' he says.
'Just look,' I say, 'the PVC pipe is white, the toilet tissue is white, the paint is NOT white."

We have had these 'color' conversations before.  Never quite so graphic as this though.  I am always startled at how differently we see things.  Now this is obviously not white to me.  And it is just as obvious to him that it is white.  These observations spill over into other areas of our life together and it is more than frustrating for me.

Some things are not worth the discussion.  Especially where the memory of how/what transpired is concerned.  I am learning to let those things go.  Not easily, I might add.  This, however, just made me so furious.  This is something that any numnut should be albe to see.  Is it me?  Am I wrong again?  I don't think so.  Not this time.  And I'm holding on to that.