THURSDAY, AUGUST 7 -- ALIVE @ FIVE

We had gone to the previous Thursday's, Alive @ Five concert in Columbus park in Stamford. We had a good time, enjoyed the music (somewhat), had a burger and some chips, and of course a couple of beers. We also stood around for two or three hours. Bill wanted to go in to this last concert of the season. Boyz II Men was the group. Never heard of them myself, but what do I know.

The 'twenty-four hour without incident' mark was passed. No more TIA episodes and I was feeling like my regular normal self. I went in to work my regularly scheduled Thursday afternoon. I agreed to go to the concert but wanted to take the chairs this time. Bill said he would pick up something to eat at Costco and we'd take the picnic basket.

When I got in from work shortly after five, Bill was getting the picnic basket ready and we were soon off to Stamford. We found one of the last places to park on a side street off Washington Boulevard and walked a block and a half to Columbus Park. There seemed to be a LOT of people. There WERE a lot of people. We got checked in and tried to make our way to the grassy area. This took some maneuvering as there were so many people and not very much pass through space. We did, however, manage to not hit too many people with our chairs and basket, but it wasn't easy. It was tight. Not like the last Thursday when there was plenty of space to walk around from one side of the park to the other.

We found a teenie, weenie patch of grass and set up our chairs. The warm up group was playing. They were not bad. (Just not my music.) We were surrounded on one side by other chairs packed in tightly together and on the other by standees. Everyone was conversing over the music. It was very loud. We ate our supper. People flowing past all the time ABOVE MY HEAD. Really a LOT of people.

The warm up group finished up. The Boyz came on to much screaming and jumping up and down and the base notes vibrated the ground. The music(?) started. Everyone seemed to know all the lyrics and jumped up and down shouting them loudly. I think part of the jumping was so they could see the group over the heads of those in front of them.

A little girl behind us wanted to see. Bill put her up on his shoulders and carried her forward so that she could see the group. I was very nervous about this. The mother seemed a little nervous too after some minutes had passed and they were not back. But eventually Bill brought her back and she was thrilled with the experience.

Meanwhile the crowd was getting louder and tighter and more vociferous. I was getting very jittery. I took as much as I could and then told Bill that we had to leave. We packed up our chairs and started for the gate. HA! Fat chance. We could barely move. We literally pushed our way between the standing crowd. Forcing our way actually. LOTS and LOTS of people. When we finally got to the exit area there were streams of people trying to get in. There were twice as many policemen as when we had arrived. And they were nervous.

I was glad to get away and across the street where there were more people enjoying the music but it wasn't that crowded. I was still feeling panicky as we made our way back to the car. And then getting out onto Washington Boulevard was difficult -- bumper to bumper cars coming and going. Part of the boulevard had to be closed off to traffic coming toward Columbus Park. It was the biggest crowd of all the Alive @ Five concerts and they are rethinking next season. As well they should.

And so the second adventure of the week ended without disaster. On to the wedding.......

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8 -- TIA

Transient Ischemic Attack

I'm going to back all of this up a little bit so that the chronology flows forward instead of backward. I hate reading books that are consistent flashbacks so I won't do that to my readers.

Last Wednesday morning began like every other morning. Just plain ol' boring normal. And then around ten as I was straightening up, and for once getting things in their proper places, I headed downstairs to put an extra tape dispenser in the secretary. Half way down the stairs my right arm went numb. I shook it out a little thinking -- what was I thinking? -- nothing. I went on into the sitting room and went to turn the key in the door of the secretary to lift it open. My fingers wouldn't work.

I am looking at my fingers and I know what they are supposed to be doing, only they're not doin' it. I can't make my fingers close around the key in order to turn it. And my hand is feeling very, very odd. I can feel it, but I can't feel it. This lasted a few seconds and then began to pass. I put the tape holder away. I flex my hand. I walk to the phone and call the doctors' office.

The women where I work are sort of 'family.' I was told to come right down to the office. I did. Well, I did eventually. It seemed to take Bill forever to get on shoes and shirt and gather his 'stuff.' On the way to the office my left arm started to feel odd. I know that the hand thing is a TIA. Some little part of my brain has been deprived of blood supply. I am scared. Shaky. Teary.

A very thorough examination -- my blood pressure is perfect, my heart rate is perfect, my strength is perfect, my sensory sensations are perfect, my coordination is perfect. The doctor is puzzled and orders blood tests and a CT scan -- NOW. Modern medicine is amazing. This intricate machine can see inside your head. Well, other body parts too, but the head is the focus for me. It takes all of three minutes of just lying still. A couple of hours later the doctor called me at home to say that the CT scan does not give us an answer. Well, that is good news and bad news.

The good news is that there was not anything significant -- like a bleed or a clot. The bad news is that we still need to know what happened. So more comprehensive blood work and a carotid ultrasound on Monday and I am put on a medication called Aggrenox which will keep the blood from forming clots.

But this is only Wednesday. The further good news is that I am okay and can get on with life. Great things are coming up in the next three days. God is good. Stay tuned.....

UNRECOGNIZED SPIRITUAL AWAKENINGS

The Gospel reading for Monday was the beginning verses of John. Today's reading had John the Baptist "crying in the wilderness" which sent me back to yesterday's reading: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." In my head, I substitute periods for the commas in this sentence making it three distinct pronouncements.

These pronouncements always stir something within me. Fifty five years or so ago, when I was in my 'look at how pious I am' mode, this reading caused me to put aside my piousness OR it was put aside for me. My whole being seemed infused with wonder and awe, humbleness. That one sentence made me feel different. Outside of myself somehow. Outside of myself yet part of everything. Whole. An amazing feeling for such a young girl

I could not have put any of this into words at that time. Even thought. It has taken years for me to realize that what I had experienced was the touch of God in my soul. It was one of my first awakenings to the experience of God. And I didn't know it. Had no clue. But it was there. It is here. It is part of who I am.

A SHIFT IS IN THE MAKING???

Once again there is a feeling of change. I am such a creature of habit that I just go along day after day following the same routine. Once in a while I pick up something new or drop something old. Not very often though, because being a creature of habit doesn't allow for a great deal of change.

This morning, however, I noticed that the coffee was 'off.' Just didn't taste quite as rich and robust. Flat even. And then, thinking about it, I realize that this isn't new today. It is a repeat over the last week or so. And the morning Sudoku puzzle didn't seem to be the challenge it is on most mornings. Not that the difficulty wasn't there, the enticement and interest weren't there. I felt bored.

Last Monday I started on the treadmill again after many, many weeks of avoidance. I stepped up on to the belt, turned it on, set the preferences and off I went. The new TV remote didn't seem to work so I settled for quiet. I enjoyed that so much that I continued for the rest of the week and today with no blather. Just my own thoughts. Trying to figure out the previous night's dreams. And today was able to compose a special gift card note. Really a productive time -- in more ways that one.

Small shifts in the norm but altogether maybe ominous. I am open to what might come.

HOPE ABOUNDS

Our priest, Lois, is in the process of interviewing and hiring a nursery care person for Sundays. It has been over a year since we lost our last one and did not replace her. There were no children. Well, children, but not infants and toddlers who needed nursery care during worship.

As is usually the case in organizations, that which is not used falls into unkempt disarray. Thus the state of the nursery is not up to Diocesan standards -- by a long shot. The call went out. We need a new crib and changing table, new mattresses, toy sorting and cleansing.

The nursery is a very important piece of hospitality. It needs to be the best that we can offer. Parents need to feel confident that they are leaving their children in a place of comfort and safety. I was eager to answer the call and asked if others would join me. Others will. People will donate their time to sort and clean and organize. People will donate curtains/shades for the windows, people will donate mattresses. AND when I was doing an evaluation of the necessary work to be done, I found that someone had donated a large, new chest/bench for storing toys.

I am overwhelmed with this response. Who would have thought that a call to clean and sort and bring the nursery up to safety standards would bring such a response. I am overjoyed. Hope abounds!

And this is what seems to be the beginning of some new energy that is surfacing at Grace. The Mission Congregation is bubbling with eagerness to begin doing some outreach. Maybe not on our own -- yet. And that is more than okay. There are other churches that need more helping hands than they have of their own right now. Helping with another denomination's Thanksgiving Dinner is a possibility. And yet another denomination needs help with their Soup Kitchen commitment. Hope Abounds! We're on our way!

"PRAY FOR ME"

This is Bishop Gene's plea to us in his blog from Canterbury. Go on over and read the whole message. He is hurting -- and angry. He is feeling the pains of being a gay person in what is assumed by straight people to be a straight world. Well, people, it ISN'T a straight world. It is a great big conglomeration of a LOT of differences, sexuality being probably one of the least of differences. I will pray for Bishop Gene.

I remember being different. For some reason, around the age of twelve, my style of walking was just not right. I walked with my forehead leading the way and my butt bringing up a prominent rear. And my strides were very long. I didn't know about this difference until one day in the classroom a fellow student did a gross imitation of my walk and the resultant sniggering from my classmates was so embarrassing. Humiliating. I looked different. I was different. The same but different. Why is it that some differences are so painful? I think in many instances it is because other people are not willing to accept differences and are very quick to make issues about them. I will pray for Bishop Gene.

Bishop Gene is different because he is a Bishop -- we don't have many of those. He is also gay. I don't really know how many gay Bishops there are -- probably a lot more than we think. Bishop Gene has chosen to be honest and forthright about his life. I will pray for Bishop Gene.

The pain of living amongst the reactions of others to being different is always present. I know that my son, Jeffri, does not generally talk about it, but once in while something slips into our conversation together and I know that he experiences a LOT of discomfort from being who he is -- a gay man. There is hurt and anger, sometimes fear, self doubt. Life isn't easy. I pray for Jeffri and I will pray for Bishop Gene.

All of the Bishops need my prayer. And I will certainly pray for them as they come together at Lambeth -- without Bishop Gene, of course. I am personally angry that he was not invited. They all need to be given a time out. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who cares? Just grow up and learn that walking in the other person's shoes gives everything a whole different sense of being. I will pray for the work at Lambeth. I will pray for bishop Gene.

MISSION CONGREGATION

The Mission Congregation of Grace Episcopal Church. 'What's that?' people ask. There have been Sunday announcements. There have been articles in the last three monthly newsletters. When I try to encourage people to try it out, they say to me 'what is it?' and in return I ask if they have read about it in the newsletter. 'Oh I don't read the newsletter."

WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!

SO... here it is again -- in MY own words this time.

A group of 'seeking' people come together about once a month on a Saturday morning to support and encourage one another in our questions and our search for more. More than Sunday worship. More than Bible study. More than just talk. MORE!! And it has become more because we share in the search. We share our stories. We listen. We pray together. We learn.

It is interesting that this group first came together in an effort to determine what was holding up progress in the parish. We called ourselves the Visioning Committee and our purpose was to talk about why were we not drawing in new people; where the families with children were . Why were people so complacent? Why was there no interest in educational offerings? And on and on and on some more. We realized after meeting two or three times that we were going over and over the same old stuff. Questions we have been asking ourselves for the past fifteen, twenty, thirty years. Dreams we have all shared for the past fifteen, twenty, thirty years. And still no answers. And still no progress.

Toward the end of our last 'fixit' session we began to express our own personal needs and hungers for more. As the wheels were spinning some of our sorrows and hurts spilled onto the table. We were hungering and thirsting for something we did not have. The 'same ol' just wasn't cutting it any longer. We wanted more. More intimate worship, more meaningful Bible Study, more opportunity to ask questions and hear the questions and longing of others. We were not UNhappy with the same ol' Sunday Worship, but we felt that there could be more.

And so we began to meet to try to fulfill some of our needs. We schedule three hours and are reluctant to depart when the time is up. We are learning to share our deepest doubts, and share how, we personally, have been trying to find answers. We involve ourselves in scripture and seek how it is meaningful to our current lives. Our prayers are open and from our hearts -- shared, heard, and held sincerely one for the other.

We all continue Sunday worship with the parish. It is part of who we are. We still long for more people to join us with our Mission Congregation. When there is more, it needs to be shared.