CONFLICTED

 

I am feeling very much like this.  Right side up and upside down and not knowing which is the right way around.  Or if there even is a 'right' way around.  Sometimes it is hard to figure it out.

I think I am mostly just worn down with trying to be something I'm not and not knowing how to be the something that I am.  Wanting to by wise and understanding and supporting.  And not.  It works for a while and then it all falls apart.  And then on top of that not being understood for the falling apart and the hurt that happens.  Just gut wrenching hurt because I cannot be the person I think I need to be.

Key here is the 'what I think I need to be.'  I am guessing that I set myself up for more than I can handle and then when I fail it feels disastrous.  What I would like to do going forward is just to be more honest with myself about what I can do and what I cannot do.  It isn't a matter of wanting to change anything -- exactly.  It is just learning to deal with the realities and accepting them.

Oh dear God,  be here with me in my hurt.  Help me to learn to grow in your love and acceptance.  Learn daily.  Learn hourly.  Learn with the passage of time that my sight is toward loving my neighbor.  I am not going to even say ...as myself, because I am not loving myself very well this evening.  But tomorrow is another day and God will see me through the night with love and kindness and healing for the morrow.
 

 

Michael Martchenko illustration from The Paper Bag Princess

This is how life is feeling for me today.  Tomorrow will be better. 

IT'S FRIDAY

 

I love Fridays.  It means I get to work for the whole day.  Get to be a real people in the working world.  For one day.  Friday.  For one day I can deal with the crazies and the needy and the whiny and the demanding and ugly and the snobs and the appreciative and thankful -- the public.  Being a service provider is really tough, draining, demanding,frustrating, tiresome,  rewarding.  The 'public' comes in all shapes, sizes, needs, attitudes. The public is us.  How do we engage service providers on the other side of the counter/window/desk? 
  

WINTER MOON

 

Almost full moon last night.  The air was crisp and clear.  Driving wasn't even too bad.  We had been up to Oakdale to see David Garrett.  Bill was thrilled -- it was loud, he could hear, the music was good for him.  I am still not used the the extreme amplification.  Some of the music was music for me.  A lot of it was just loud rhythm.  I was glad that it was a good experience for Bill.  I think he misses out on a lot because of his hearing deficiency.

The worst part of the evening was getting lost.  In the dark.  On the off roads of Connecticut.  We were an hour and a half getting to where we wanted to be, after we were already in the right vicinity, and that was after twice asking directions.  The first of which were wrong sending us south on I91 instead of north.  We found ourselves suddenly in New Haven which is a  l o n g a  way from Wallingford.  We found a policeman who when I told him we were lost and needed directions to Wallingford was flabbergasted that we were so far off track.

We finally did get to Oakford -- and just on time, at that.  What an amazing venue.  Every seat is a good seat.  And set up so that there is no need for video screens to see what you came to see -- like Harbor Yard in Bridgeport.  I'll never go there again.  Too big.  Too many people.  Too, too.

I experienced an appreciation for the lighting effects of which I had not before been aware.  Not affect for effect but a genuinely integral part of the music presentation.  Really enhanced the program.  My nephew is in this line of work and I now have an admiration for the work that he does.  Go Bremmie!

The natural lighting effects of the moon are still a bigger thrill for me.  Always unique.  I discovered last evening a setting on my camera that says 'Nightscape."  Whoa!  What a find.  This is one of the first photos.  This year of blogging with mostly new photos each day is a real learning experience for me.  I am learning about my camera.  I am learning to use the Windows Photo Gallery program.  Now I have to concentrate some more on composition. 

Tomorrow night a "full" moon.  Great fun ...
 

WINTER GRUNGE

   

The melting snow is leaving behind the soot and salt and sand and grunge that is part of winter.  That's outside.  Inside Gabriel seems to be a magnet for all kinds of winter grunge both from the outside and the inside.  I am reluctant to bathe him as the house is quite cool.  It is time for the groomer. 

Last evening I watched the last of the Westminster Dog Show.  What beautifully goomed dogs.  And last minute grooming touches were being applied even in the ring before their judgement walk.  These dogs love this grooming process.  It is part of their lives.  A BIG part.  For Gabriel, not so much.  I actually started out with him as a pup with the comb and brush and kithen sink baths and the hair dryer and the clippers.  He just never did take to it.  As time went on it became more and more of a struggle until I finally caved and found a groomer for him. 

I don't know if he likes the grooming process that he gets every six to eight weeks.  I don't care.  It is going to happen anyway.  I can't do it, so let a professional do it. 
 

BARGAINS

 

I love a bargain.  And 30% off is just too much to not use.  Not that I need anything.  Mostly don't even want anything.  But, coupon in hand, I peruse the the store.  The whole store.  Generally, I end up purchasing baby clothes for the new babies at Malta House.  Or maybe some white socks for the homeless shelter.  Just can't let that 30% off go to waste.

During the Christmas buying season there were numerous 33% off coupons at Borders.  I used those to purchase Spanish children's books.  OR I bought Christmas presents for the family.  Never could let one of those suckers go to waste either.

Now that the Holidays are past there are fewer and fewer coupons and bargains are hard to come by.  Then I got to thinking this morning that the most splendiferous bargain that I have is God's love.  And that's FREE.   
 

SUNSHINE

 

We have sunshine.  We have shadows.  We can see sprigs of green out there.  And if you squint a little you can see the garden cupid out there by the tree emerging from the snow.

The warmth on the back is like a kiss from God.  Yes, there is a tomorrow, and, yes, there will be spring.  Oh, we will have more cold, to be sure.  And rain.  And a lot of wind.  We have to have the wind to dry up the rain.  And then we will have sprouts and leaves and eventually even flowers. 

Really, it is so good to feel God's love and hope in my life.