WAITING FOR WILBUR

Gabriel is twelve years old now.  Blind.  Neurological problems that affect his hind quarters.  Gabriel sleeps a lot; eats pretty well; still goes outside to tend to personal matters; loves lap sitting and spends the night snuggled against me.  That being said, we do not know how much longer he will be enjoying this life.  So as long as he is comfortable,we have decided that we will accomodate his problems.  And it will be a heavy hearted day when his time with us is at an end.  And we will be very, very sad.

For two or three years I have been looking for another Shih Tzu as an addition to our family.  Not a puppy this time.  There are a ton of rescue dogs out there and suddenly the right one appeared for adoption.  Golden S Rescue will be delivering Wilbur to us this coming Tuesday evening.  Wilbur is also a Shih Tzu albeit almost four pounds heavier than Gabriel's 6.2.  He is four years old - give or take.  He is reported to be friendly with humans, animals, and cats; cuddly, personable, and housebroken.  He comes having been neutered and with all shots and immunizations. 

The addition of Wilbur will change our routine, our schedule, ALL of the family dynamics.  There will, of course, be an adjustment period.  It will take time and patience -- all round.  Aside from all of this, we are quite excited about this new addition to our lives.

And so we wait with anticipation -- well, Gabriel sleeps.

THE PRICE OF HOPE AND FAITH

Mr. Robin has been missing for a few days.  I had seen him flitting around with bits of food in his beak preparing to take it into the nest.  I decided to investigate.  There was no Mrs. Robin; there were no eggs; the nest was trashed.  The softer compact bottom layer was dislodged and askew and it was all dangling precariously in the Japanese Holly bush.  Gone. No more.

Where will they go?  Will they build again?  Will they find a more suitable location?  Having been so devastated for all her efforts, will she just give up?  Will she try again this season?  Will she return next season?  Or will she just give up and go away and never try again?

I can relate to Mrs. Robin.  My church nest has been taken away.  I face many of the same questions.  There are several options for me.  A couple are close to home, others not too far from home.  I don't think I'm ready to visit another place of worship yet.  I'm a little scared.  I need a respite.  I'm thinking God will wait with me through this interim period until I am ready.  There is always hope.

CLOSED. FINISHED. DONE.

GRACE EPISCOPAL CHURCH - NORWALK, CT.

 The doors are closed.  The congregation dispersed. Grace Church is dissolved. No more.  I left behind those doors the hurts and heartbreak and frustrations of the closing; the strife; the nasty.  No more. Gone. Left behind.

I brought with me all the love in the world.  I brought with me years of sharing stories.  I brought with me a sense of what community can be.  I brought with me the knowledge that wherever I go I have gifts to offer a new community.  I know how to share my story; I know how to listen with an open heart and without judgement; I have learned that scripture is to be savored and enjoyed and that it can be interpreted differently with each encounter; I am beginning to learn how to turn the negative into the positive.  This last from our Lent Workshop.  We could have used more time to continue.  It was not to be.

A lot of things were not to be.  That's okay.  We can each take them away with us and continue in our new church homes.  There are more opportunities.  We have earned hope.

FAITH IN ACTION

Mrs. Robin has been busy since my last visit.  She certainly has faith that this nest is going to be safe for her eggs.  Faith that she is going to even have eggs.  Faith that things are going to happen the way they are supposed to happen. 

Before I even made this visit, I today took a leap of faith of my own by dusting and storing away my beloved Christmas creche and lavender Christmas tree which have been in our TV area giving me solace and comfort; reminding me of the promise that all will be well.  I no longer need this crutch.  I am okay now.  The church is closing.  We have enough money to pay decent severence to our staff and to keep current with our bills until the final sevice which will take place on May 26.  It has been a long and stressful time.  I just could not bear to put away "Christmas" while I was deeply mourning this loss. 

I will still grieve.  Tears come easy, too easy.  The ache in my heart is forever.  And that's okay.  There will one day be new places to nest, new eggs to nurture, and new fledglings to support and encourage.  One day at a time.  This day is the day that it was NOT sad and heartbreaking to put away Christmas.  It is spring.  There is hope.  There is faith that all will be well.

HOPE

Mrs. Robin in going to try again.  Maybe it isn't the same Mrs. Robin.  Maybe it is.  The faith that it takes to start building this nest, four feet off the ground right next to our back stairs.... WOW!  Now, that is faith.  Some might call it instinct.  Perhaps faith is instinctive. 

If a mother robin can have that much faith, then surely I can have enough faith to know that the closing of Grace Church is not an end.  It can surely be the beginning of a new nesting in some other place.  In fact there will be multiple nesting places for the people who will be temporily without a church home. We will not all choose to go to the same new place.  We have different needs and different experiences.  What we have learned at Grace we will take with us and be changed yet again and change those with whom we join.

Maybe this is a good time for a church to be closing its doors.  It is spring.  There is that hopeful promise of all things new.  We have been enriched in this place.  We have learned more than we can ever pass on.  We have experienced resurrection and we will now follow Christ into the world to do what God would have us do.  We are equipped.  We are ready. 

APPREHENSION

Here it is April 13 and the Christmas Cactus is blooming.  How very odd as I have just today removed the Christmas table cloth and replaced it with the flowering one for summer.  The seasons are running into one another.  The world is topsy turvey.  It is confusing and unsettling.

Here it is April 13 and I am NOT looking forward to tomorrow's Vestry Meeting.  When finances are concerned, the emotions run hot.  When the church is closing and the money is running out the emotions are raw.  People are vulnerable and possibly not wanting to make hard decisions.  Hard decisions have to be made.  What do we do about staff severance?  Is there enough left to pay the current bills AND give severance to the staff?  On top of this there is a question of outreach requests.  Too much to grasp. The world is topsy turvey.  It is confusing and unsettling. And the meeting is tomorrow.  And we will have to make decisions.

Personalities clash.  Emotions may cloud judgement.  We will be hard put to be courteous and pastoral, to remain calm, to listen to one another.  We will have to count on God to be in the decision making.  We will have to count on God to guide us through the decision making.  We will have to count on God....

END-OF-LIFE HAPPENINGS





Who could not love this adorable little guy?  This is Gabriel, a twelve year old Shih Tzu.  Much loved by all who meet him.  A very significant part of this household.

Gabriel went to the vet today for a check up.  He is the same as he was three weeks ago when I took him in and learned about his end-of-life condition.  Oh, the end of life isn't tomorrow, or next week, or maybe even next year.  It is, however, an end of life stage.  He has nerve damage in his spine.  He does not control his back legs very well.  He walks with caution and often one or the other of his back legs gives way and causes him to collapse.

He does not seem to be in pain.  Some days walking is easier that other days.  We give him an anti-inflammatory.  He weighs 6.4 pounds today, up from the 6.2 of a few months ago.  He eats.  He drinks water.  He loves his treats after meds.  He sits on Bill's lap for long periods of time while Bill reads.  He sleeps curled up next to me at night.

The vet said that swimming in the bath tub might help him exercise his legs.  I'll have to figure that one out.  Also have to find a doggie life jacket for him.  She, the vet, also gave me the name of a pet rehab facility.  Didn't know such a thing existed.  I may look into that too depending upon how I manage the bath tub thing.

End-of-life phases happen to all of us.  Wonder how I will manage my own.  Or Bill's for that matter.  And who will be around to see to my meds and my rehab.  These things can happen at any time.  Best that we live each day fully and appreciatively.

Bill and I will do our best to love and care for Gabriel.  We will do our best to love and care for one another.

THE HELPFULNESS OF PRAYER

 

 

 Yesterday my Bishops led a walk through Washington to witness against violence.  They walked and prayed the Way of the Cross.  The walk and the prayers may be found here.  My priest also offered the same walk through the neighborhood around our church in Norwalk.  I was unable to participate in either one of these walks.  I was, however, able to pray the prayers.  

 

The readings and the meditations and the prayers are quite moving.  I could not read them in one sitting and so chose to spread them out over the day.  Because of the references to Sandy Hook, I was deeply moved and they are quite personal.  I have saved them on my Desktop so I can revisit them in the days to come.  And to remind me of the JUSTICE attitude that I want to make a part of my being.

 

In the meantime we are embarking into the intensity of Holy Week.  Lois, our priest, passed along Praying the Hours which she found here.  I do not know how faithful I can be to these; I have downloaded them also.  I have them on my IPad which is easily accessible.  Sometimes prayers that have been put together by others enhance my own humble offerings to God.

 

All this and I began a dialogue with my SO this morning.  Nothing dramatic.  An opening of a conversation that can continue.  It is a start.  It took a great deal of courage on my part and I stumbled through my opening sentences trying to put some of my thoughts and feelings on the table.  Nothing dramatic.  At least a beginning.  I don't even know if I was really heard.  At least it is a start.  Nothing dramatic.  Low key.  Heartfelt.  A beginning. 

 

LIVING INTO THE ISSUES

In the midst of chaos and confusion, heartbreak and grief, self doubt and anger, I try to find peace.  Well, at least solace.  Yes, solace.  That's it.  Comfort.  Knitting helps.  Maybe it is the constant rhythmic motion that soothes me.  My hands are creating something with these needles and this yarn.  It is good.  Soothes the mind, calms the body, replenishes the soul.

A return to blogging after more than a year is both daunting and challenging. It is time.  It is time to return with these issues in my life as I struggle to understand and live with them.  To make sense of them.  To move on with them to the other side of them.

Gabriel, my lovable, six pound Shih Tzu, of some twelve years, is losing control of his rear legs.  He previously lost his left eye and his right eye does not see a whole lot and is treated with drops twice a day.  He is small.  He is precious. He is couragous.  We will care for him and give him all the comfort and support that we are able.  We will not let him be in pain.  This is a difficult path for me to live.  But live it I must.  Blogging will keep track of how we deal with this issue and what it does to alter our lives.

Secondly, the church that I have attended for the last twenty years is closing.  Grace Episcopal Church, Norwalk cannot continue for lack of parishioner participation in doing God's work and funds to maintain the physical plant.  I have been a very active member of this parish serving in many roles and this is breaking my heart.  I am in a greiving process.  I cry a lot.  Sometimes I am angry.  In less than two weeks those eligible to vote will vote to close or stay open.  Blogging sooner would have tracked what has led us to this point.  That is hindsight.  It just is.  As time goes on perhaps some of that will come forth as I look back from where we are.

Thirdly, relationship issues.  I will keep those quiet for now, perhaps journaling them as time goes on.  Bill and I have been together for thirteen years now and there are yet differences that can be resolved.  We have been in relationship therapy for four years and it continues  to help us to communicate and understand one another.

SOoo, three huge issues to handle all at once is difficult for me in this, my seventy fifth year.  I will live into them.  I will be changed.